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Michaelmas term 2011

2011-12-09T10:40:00.010+08:00

The first term in Oxford. It happened too quickly, and not too long ago. But my memory is already fuzzy.

The pink samsonite luggage contained all my life and I left Singapore with that 23 kilograms of belongings. It made me sad how I could fit everything in a suitcase. 59 x 81 x 34. There you go.

I remember feeling no sadness leaving my home. I got to the airport really early and had my last meal in Singapore. Ya Kun kaya toast, teh C, and two eggs. That day I didn't wipe off the excess butter in my kaya toast. I wandered around the departure hall alone for a bit. And still didn't feel anything. I remember calling Kevin to say my last goodbye but I don't remember how the conversation went and the words that I spoke. I looked at Swarovski and wanted a Hello Kitty pen with those pretty pink crystals. I didn't buy anything.

The flight there was good. Once again, like a year ago, the two seats next to mine were vacant despite a "full flight". I'll never understand the mysterious good luck of having a whole row of seats to myself on economy class twice in a row. I arrived in Oxford soon enough and the weather was lovely. It was 19 degrees celsius, a really comfortable temperature and the Brits too were pleasantly surprised by this heatwave. My sister made the trip down to Heathrow and accompanied me for a night in Oxford. I am very grateful for her help. She carried all 23 kilograms of my life up and down steep flights of stairs because I was too stupid to book a decent hotel. The "hotel" didn't have lifts.

On my first night alone after checking into college, I cried. International students arrived earlier than everyone else. So I was in a block (called "staircase" - 20 rooms in 3 levels share a common staircase to get to their rooms) and I was the only soul there. I felt lonely, empty, and cold. It really hit me then as I was crying that I was miles away from everything I knew back at home. I sobbed my heart out without inhibitions. Because no one could hear me. Because there wasn't anyone who would.

People started moving in. I made friends with the other people living on my staircase. I found really nice friends. I am happy I met them and they made Oxford a much happier place for me. I never cried the way I did on my first night again sober. The walls are too thin.

Work started coming in. I drank some and partied for a bit. Just a little bit. I became more active in the Singaporean society in Oxford. Maybe because I needed more friends. Or because around them I felt less like I was looking in windows at pretty displays.

Of course, slowly, I got used to life Oxford. It became a part of who I was... Or I became a part of it. I finally found my identity there. I knew who I was again. Not just that Asian girl. I was comfortable in who and where I was. I forgot about the life I once knew back home in Singapore. I didn't contact the people who belonged to my past... I didn't even have time for my parents. I whined about life to my sister occasionally. For a while I lived for myself. I didn't have to bother with what my parents thought, how Kevin would react to the things I did... I didn't face judgement from the friends I had back home in Oxford. I could be uncool.

I enjoyed lunches alone. I enjoyed having my own space and doing things by myself.

And then term ended too quickly and I found myself sad to be returning to my old life.

Let us play yesterday.

I got truly inebriated once in my life. And that was the day Kevin fucked up. No one in my life likes him.
"Does that make it better kj?
The idea of your romance going against all odds, including your friends' disapproval?
Does it make it more romantic?"
You made sense. You always do. I know the right thing I have to do now but I can't. I don't have the courage to make my life better. I won't allow myself that chance for happiness because if I do and happiness still eludes me...

So happy. So in need of saving.

says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name

but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial

and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave

you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

-warsanshire

ggg

2011-12-08T12:25:00.000+08:00

Will update once I stop procrastinating.

alone

2011-10-10T01:41:00.003+08:00

I feel really lonely and sad in Oxford. I don't feel as though I fit in any where. I hate not being back home in Singapore.

I miss Kevin.
I miss my family. My sister, my mother, my brother and father.
I miss my friends.

I miss everything I knew my world to be before I left for university. I have no one to blame. I chose this road myself... But nobody said that it would be this hard.

I want to be accepted and loved.

somebody that i used to know

2011-09-29T21:51:00.000+08:00

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

We could be anyone. We're nothing.

forever was never till now

2011-09-11T13:27:00.009+08:00

I am losing my individuality, my time and my friends. I am losing myself. I willingly give up my weekends for us. I think about what we can do together. I go through life now prioritizing this team above all. Yet I do not wish to let this known and pretend to be the free-bird you once knew. I don't know the life I had months ago anymore, I don't remember it and I don't want it. I look forward to the end of everyday where we come together and it gets me through my otherwise mundane life. I love this routine and the stability and grounding it provides the otherwise insecure me.

I and needy and dependent.

but

We're wonderful one times one.

I wish I had more of my own life sometimes because I don't have anything for myself anymore.

I don't know who I am alone, I don't know how I will leave everything I know in twenty days.

成千上万个门口总有一个人要先走. 十年之前, 我不认识你, 你不属于我.

其实爱对了人　情人节每天都过

2011-08-14T16:07:00.020+08:00

A silly little princess is thinking of tiffany's and wondering what makes love true. She was given a promise of forever.

There's a bigger world out there, so much more to see and things others will offer. She should know better.

But someone put her up on a pedestal and made her believe that she was indeed a princess who deserved nothing less than a fairytale ending.

I know why you could not come with me.

我只能渴望再相遇。别忘了要一起到老。

you wouldn't leave me, but i couldn't stay

2011-08-03T07:19:00.005+08:00

I've never known the loving of a man,
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand.

There's a boy here in town who says he'll love me forever.
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life?

Well, I've had just enough time.

I have about 7 weeks left in Singapore before I leave for university already. I am leaving Singapore for a minimum of 3 years to do a BA in Human Sciences at Oxford. Don't ask me what human sciences is, just google it and read it off the oxford website. Don't ask me what I can do with that degree either. I don't know, I really don't.

I look before I leap, but I leap anyway.

I chose to leave everything behind and take a chance with my life. I didn't choose medicine like both my siblings. I didn't choose the security and guarantee of a "comfortable life". But I decided that I would study what I love. I will live my life doing exactly what I have passion for and won't regret a thing.

That is, if I don't wind up poor and working a deskjob with no prospects.

Funny how life never has been easy for me. Funnier how it never will be easy for anyone.

Love. Love. Love. Something we idealize and then believe the fairytale. But it never plays out like the movies. With the artlessness of inexperience, I can say that my mere 19 years has shown me the impermanence of what I believe to be love.

I always thought that I would love just one, love him like no other, forever. He would also have to be the first boy I fell for. Yet time and again I falter, each time falling for another, believing that this time would be it. With every crush, every date, every hint of passion which gives my heart away, I undermine my emotions more each time. I don't like knowing that I can love again and again... Just deflates the magic of the fairytale, doesn't it?

I fall in love only to discover what I loved about them fades. I remember the bad experiences and overlook the wonderful memories. Nothing truly lasts forever and I accept that things won't stay the same forever. There will be someone out there who loves me... more.

Since I will never get my fairytale of The One, I'll just get more out of the imperfect love. Practical.

I thought about the people from my past and all my baggage. It isn't a lot but significant enough to change my perspective just that tiny bit. What I have now is so much better and no one else has measured up. I wish I could say that no one else "will ever measure up". But I can't be certain of my own heart and what the future will do to change it. He is perfect for now and forever seems fine to me, for today.

Every time I believe that I have come to the end of the rainbow and got my pot of gold, I soon realize that the picture of perfection I painted of him turns out to be... A caricature.

Reality is only how I perceive the world and people around me to be. Maybe I distort things and make believe to cheat myself.

Screw being cryptical. Plainly, the timing sucks. I don't dare to think about the future. I don't believe that I will succeed. I don't want to have hope and long for love because it eludes me. I say the timing sucks because I am looking for excuses. I look for excuses because I am a coward. I say that I am a coward because I am afraid and I didn't want to say that "I am scared". But there you go, I am terrified of what will happen. So let me go find an excuse. The timing sucks, I am leaving, nothing ever works out.

7 weeks left in Singapore. I could just put an end to it all but I don't want to.

He isn't perfect. But no one is.

My sister, my best friend and someone who never judges me :)Pretty awesome overnight stay at Sentosa though the highlights were shopping and food at vivocity!

What hwachong blessed me with :)

My best friend with magic flash!I am really sad to see you go but i'll always miss you wherever you are. You're awesome. 'Nuff said!

SCGS friends for life. -heartshape-

Perfume bottles that are purple are superior. Lanvin éclat d'arpege and Calvin Klein euphoria.The Sister has excellent taste in perfume!And of course, new purple nails.

From someone who may have been a really dear friend :)

more than distance between us

2011-07-20T06:23:00.005+08:00

So my brother returned to Singapore and left for Scotland again. I'm so proud of him doing night shifts at the hospital. Being a doctor and all, doing something for the society, being useful... Something I'll never be. He's been away from home for so many years and I wonder where he feels more at home. Is it in Edinburgh? Or is it here in Singapore? I wonder too a few years from now where I would wanna be. Right now I want nothing more than to stay here forever where all my friends are... With the comfort of my mom taking care of my every need. I feel like I'm sacrificing the only life I ever knew for Oxford. But is it even worth it? My brother and sister dropped everything here to study medicine in the UK. They are getting a professional degree that guarantees a secure future as a doctor. What about me? I'm doing a three year course, getting a Bachelor of Arts in Human Sciences. Yes, I am grateful for my place in the university. But what will I do after that's done? Will I look back and regret leaving everything behind to pursue a future so nebulous?

That was my brother enjoying his Hock Lam beef noodles :)

Lucky for me, I don't particularly adore local food. I could eat the same burgers, bangers and mash, wraps for every day of my life. Maybe I'll miss the pandan kaya cake from bengawan solo. But that's about it.

How will I adjust to life in England.... Alone?

I love the friends in my life. Those who are there for me unconditionally. I also know that I will lose them one by one as time passes. Time I spend away from them, not keeping in touch, not making the effort to.

Sometimes I just don't have enough time for everyone who wants a piece of me. I am by no means a "popular" girl. I'm no social butterfly. I can't even say for sure that I can even be considered sociable. Maybe I need too much time for myself, the "me-time" I desperately hunger for. I found myself ignoring texts and phone calls for the past few weeks. I lose friends this way and while I am saddened by the loss of friendship, I can't seem to muster up enough energy to meet every single one of them.

I have already lost one of my best friends. She was my pillar of support through the very turbulent period in my time at Hwa Chong. Yet I have no idea what and how she has been doing. I don't know anything about her life anymore. But the sad truth is that... Sometimes, friends just aren't forever. I still care deeply for her, and if she would ever need me to be there for her, I would jump at the chance. However right now, we're at a different place in our lives, our paths diverging further from each other. So we make space for each other to grow... Separately.

I'm in this dilemma. When I hang out with people too much, I feel burnt out. When I get the solitude I crave, I feel lonely. I don't know what I want.

My sister said something really funny to me about a month ago. It's really strange how life pans out. My life is a fucking joke sometimes. "Monogamy just isn't for me." When months ago, according to my sis, I was zero-gamy.

Why do I feel that I'm missing out on life?

So many opportunities out there for me and I am tied down. I have too many options, too much to choose from and I fear that I will regret. Regret what? Regret letting go of what I already possess? Or regret not chasing those other options because my hands are tied? I never will stop looking for the elusive dream. That unfamiliar terrain, the great good promise land... Where we can find someone to love who will love us in return. For me, I'll never get there.

I can never love anyone more than I love myself.

I am selfish, selfish, selfish.

He never saw it coming at all. It's all right. No one's got it all. We don't want it, we want pleasure. And we're trying to be faithful, but we're cheating, cheating, cheating. It's all right.

I'm the hero of the story.

I don't need to be saved.

grey sky morning

2011-07-02T07:21:00.004+08:00

Life has been busy and good. I am a dirty liar. Life is usually good, on most days when I'm busy. But things aren't always "great", "good" or "fine". I just say that all the time anyway.

I had a great 19th birthday. This year's birthday, I spent time with friends who love me for all that I am. I got many nice presents from everyone. Thank you everyone of you :) I was treated like a princess. My sister mailed me a present all the way from Leicester and my brother was in Singapore to spend my birthday with me. I love how... life is almost perfect right now.

I spend almost everyday with a friend these days. It seems as though I am afraid of being alone... does it mean that I have been feeling lonely? When I do feel this way, I tend to surround myself with people to bury my emotions.

I had lots of fun with Lily yesterday. Her life seems so lovely. Perfect looks, perfectly wealthy... and a perfect boyfriend. But envy is toxic and I had better learn to appreciate what I've got. I guess we all have our own issues which no one else fully comprehends.

This blog has been neglected, and I would have continued to do so but I am feeling kind of blue right now. Actually, I AM feeling sad. Like really, really sad. I don't know why I tend to undermine my own emotions and make light of my own feelings. I say that I'm "not really happy" when the truth is that I'm "feeling like shit". I am not honest with my own emotions.

The liar in your life.
People tell lies every single day. In almost every conversation there is hardly complete and utter truth.

Lying is so hardwired into human nature that I can accept it as a fact of life already. But it hurts so bad when you find out that you've been lied to. When the issue is serious... and when the intention of telling the lie was to mislead and deceive. And when the deceitful, fraudulent scum happens to be someone you love.

It just hurts.

I'm not saying that I have been nothing but perfect. I am everything but perfect, and I have told the scum lies too.

I just haven't been found out.

It still hurts.

***

Now I'm here to stay,

Love can be so boring

But it's not so bad

You're only the best I ever had

I don't want you back

You're just the best I ever had

can't they just believe?

2011-06-15T07:24:00.005+08:00

Ryan Star - Last Train Home

We were only kids,
we ran like water.
Your dad said,
stay away from my daughter.
The sun was coming down when I said,
can’t you just believe?

And if you wait for me,
I’ll be the light in the dark if you lose your way.
And if you wait for me,
I’ll be your voice when you don’t know what to say.
I’ll be your shelter, I’ll be your fate.
I’ll be forever, wait for me.
I’ll be the last train,
I’ll be the last train home.

We were only kids,
we ran like water.
I told your dad,
I love your daughter.
The sun was coming down when I said,
Hallie, just believe.

Hold on to love,
and wait for me.

google "ryan star and hallie" for the story behind the song. it's sooooo sweet.
for those of you in the know, you'd probably understand why the lyrics of this song mean so much to me :)

life on hold

2011-05-24T08:19:00.004+08:00

it feels like life is slowing to a crawl for me. or it isn't even moving any more. i've not been doing anything significant recently. so i contemplate life.

just sitting on my arse all day getting fatter as the minutes tick by. i just had a huge slice of tiramisu after breakfast. what a far cry from those days... about half a year ago. i can't quite remember how i felt when i saw a slice of cake, a bar of chocolate back then any more. it was the one thing i wanted the most, yet i feared having it... eating it. as much as i am glad i can eat happily without depriving myself already, i can't help but feel like a slob/glutton. i don't want to be... fat. and by "fat", i mean, not slim. my definition of fat used to be "not skinny" and i think this is an improvement :)

i think i can face the fact that i had issues with food and weight in the past. because it is now... in my past. i do miss the skinny fragile looking person i used to be. but it isn't healthy. i am not and never will be naturally thin. my body just isn't built that way. i lost my period for about a year and attributed it to "stress from a levels". who was i kidding? i lost a good 10 kilograms off my small frame. and then i chopped my long hair off. did you think this vain girl would willingly take the plunge to lose her crowning glory? my hair started falling out. i had no choice. every time i walk past the mirror and look at how stupid i look with shorter hair, it reminds me exactly of how stupid i was (and maybe still am) to choose to... feel fat.

i still am tormented with body image issues. but i have awesome friends. i think they all saw through my lies and quietly supported me through the darker days of i-am-morbidly-obese-even-though-i-am-obviously-underweight. my parents chose to ignore the problem and pretend it didn't exist though. still, i think i snapped out of it already. i am not fat.

life brought me other joys. and i have more to focus on rather than my weight. i feel very well loved these days. i have found a best friend in my sister and i think that is truly a blessing. a friend who is also family. she gives me unconditional love, support... and sound advice. what pleases me the most(hahah, can't help that self centered streak) is that family is for life, for forever, and i will have that best friend for a looooooong time. i love you jiejie :)

no one can have it all. friends, family and love. choose two. sleep, studies and social life. pick two. i am sorry... for myself. sorry elizabeth, that i am not going to universal studios with you today. sorry to all my friends whom i take hours and hours to reply a text. sorry for being such a flake. sorry that i feel weary so easily and that i just want to be alone at home with myself for company. sorry that i sometimes choose to shop and do my nails alone. does this make me socially awkward... or inept?

i wonder how one should prioritise these three things in life: family, love and friends. i was truly taken aback when i heard how kev said that his girlfriend would be the number one priority in his life. i don't have any strong views on this. but his point is that your parents die eventually and that your siblings will have their own family too. friends? by now... i guess we know how transient most friendships are.

i look at my parents and their siblings... they see each other less than ten, or five times a year. i cringe and fear this will happen to me one day. i already feel the distance between my brother and myself, and we used to share so much with each other. there are some girls i used to think were my friends and we barely even communicate these days. all relationships take a hell lot of effort. and i am lazy. i find it nearly impossible to maintain more than 10 close relationships without losing myself and that precious "me-time". so i lose my friends and... did they so willingly and easily let me go? it makes me sad.

back to his point. in the end, the only one we've got in the long run, is our significant other. this is at once both a very romantic... and depressing thought. i need to ask youjie for his view on this too. (/inserts a "lol" to diffuse imaginary tension in this blog post/ - i think too much, don't i?) "lol". should everything else take a backseat? i used to wonder how cynthia and marcus could be so happy with just each other and let everything else be secondary. i think i may come to understand it eventually.

maybe... maybe that's why everyone is on the search for The One True Love. we all hope to find someone to love, who will love us in return. but most of us will never get there and i don't buy it. i can barely believe in love that is meant to be. fate? i can change fate. i can choose to accept or decline a date. love is more a choice you make. and what a disgusting realisation that takes away all that i have idealised love to be.

so. essentially, we all need a partner in life but there is no such thing as a "match made in heaven". truth is that we all settle for someone compatible and good enough for us. we accept the love we think we deserve.

i think i got more than what i deserve.

my thoughts don't quite make sense already. you misunderstand me :)

i've been dreaming

2011-05-19T19:02:00.005+08:00

in a world full of wrong, you're the only thing that's right
finally made it, through the lonely, to the other side

& i'm in love, and i'm terrified.

i really like this song :)

all the guys have enlisted into army and i pray for their safety both physically and emotionally. it will be over before you know it. keep going, keep going and you will get to the finish line. i'm still your friend and just a text or phone call away ^^

life has been so darn good to me recently. despite all that apprehension, i'm glad i took a chance. i gave myself a chance at happiness. may have very well found it :) it feels so wrong... and feels so right. i'm going to keep ignoring the warning signs that tell me i'm wrong... the obstacles make this all the more appealing.

i hope this isn't just the drama queen in me wanting that adrenaline high. i want this to be reaaaal.

not quite like the movies

2011-04-28T15:57:00.001+08:00

Where is the one who was coming to save me?
Where is the smile in the final embrace?
And where is the twist at the end of the story,
Where everything falls into place?

fuck your life, too

2011-04-27T10:41:00.009+08:00

so i made the mistake of honesty. i thought that with all my sincerity, i could change minds. of course it was just naivete on my part, for wanting to believe that deep down, every single person is good. naive too for thinking that you could see the good in others.

i am feeling kind of crappy right now. and misery loves company. so fuck your life too. because mine is messed up and i can't give any more love.

pardon the crass words i'm spewing.

i used to be so trusting of everyone. i believed that people were all good. i could love freely without reservations, i treated everyone with an open heart. but life got to me. shit got to me. i am not the same girl anymore and i've become so... logical. i guess people really do think with their heads and never their hearts.

i will miss both deb and joa :) poly has started for the both of you already. work hard and i'm certain the both of you will excel. especially joa, i know about your reservations and confusion choosing your course. i hope the path you chose will be right for you and that the next three years will be fulfilling.

i went for the jang geun suk concert with henny :):) really enjoyed the part where big brother kurt played the electronic clubbing music shizzz.

had breakfast with youjie after driving on a random morning.

never say never

2011-04-23T14:01:00.001+08:00

falling in and out of love
ashamed and proud of
together all the while

we're pulling apart and coming together again and again
we're growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again
don't let me go
don't let me go
don't let me go

terrified

2011-04-17T12:32:00.004+08:00

hello blog. my days have been satisfactory and i am pleaseddd. relatively pleased :)

i've been kept busy with driving lessons almost daily and dance classes. ballet today was awesome and amazing. all 4 other girls in my class didn't turn up this morning and it was like a private ballet class! my teacher is great too and i think i improved a lot from this one class. i am almost halfway through all the driving lessons too and i can do like... a U-turn already! still very flustered and everything's a frenzy when i am driving though. my hands become icy cold when i drive and i shocked my instructor when i grabbed his arm to prove my point that my hands were REAL cold. lolol. that day was really bad because i nearly knocked down someone who just dashed across the road :( i really don't wanna hit anyone... i can't have blood on my hands!

i met up with funjuin, huiyi and vanessa a few days ago. i don't remember when because the days are a blurrrr. this shit is way too fucking bright... can't remember what i did last night/everything, everything is still a blur. i didn't forget how much i love hanging out with them though! -HEARTSHAPE- (like a seriously huge inflated, helium FLOATING heart!) we laughed so much at... me. LOL. and they were nice open minded patient girls who bothered listening to me whine for about an hour. hehehe i love my scgs friends!! VAN VAN i can drive a car soon ;) and i think van van got prettier! IM WRITING THIS NOW BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE FJ AND HY WONDER WHY I AM NOT COMPLIMENTING THEM ;) ;)

seriously should start considering renaming the pigs the ban-mian fanclub already hahah. well joa, deb and i met up for BANmian at kopitiam. my sister converted me into a fan and i think i made joa and deb fans too ^^ but i have no idea why the two pigs feel that youmian is nicer than banmian. i mean. like. banmian is so obviously nicer. lol :) yep and then we got too lazy to go to town and ended up at my place half heartedly exercising with the xbox kinect for like 10 minutes. and i learnt that day how awesome joanna is at stalking people. HEHEHE.

oh and i am still waiting for the day yiming's leg becomes well enough so i can force feed him banmian as well. so hey senior, if you're still reading my blog, get well soon and come to bukit panjang :) i like spamming your msn so don't die at home okay. hahaha.

so thus far the blog entry has been a senseless detailing of my life. without any significance? BUT these little things in life are what makes the journey worth it. being with people i love makes me happy and being happy is the #01 priority in life! although i would love to indulge in a bout of depression.

ahhh that dose of sadness. so many words left unspoken :( i would really want to tell everything to my sister or my brother or SOMEONE. but i can't. i wish this situation could be described as a simple conflict between my head and my heart. but as i grow older, it feels like my head is taking over and replacing my heart. METASTASIS MUCH??? (bio references for the win) pessimism and cynicism being the disease spreading everywhere.

AIYA im so scared and too chicken to take another step forward laaaah.

The scars of your love remind me of us,
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all.

mmm i was trying to avoid being in the photo of the three bowls of banmian but i figured i wasn't tiny/flexible enough so i smiled for the picture anyway. heh.

i miss going to school so much :( i miss the people in s77 a whole lot actually. at least my life back then had a fixed schedule. routine = security = happiness for me actually.

heartshape

2011-04-11T16:14:00.004+08:00

today, i am grateful for having my friends in my life :)
of course i am thankful every single day for my family too! yeah i won't forget that!

i NEVER thought i would receive so much support from caiyi, elizabeth and cynthia. i've got like freaking awesome non-judgemental friends and i am speechless now. what more could i ask for? thank you girls :) you guys have no clue how much your approval means to me! REALLY. (insert mega heartshape)

sibyl thinks i should blog and that lyrics don't count. wellllll... im still quoting, i don't care. when i'm in a good mood i become incoherent lol. and as you know i am literally flying through the clouds right now hahaha. so yeah coherence flies out of the window too :) AND I DON'T WANT TO SOUND LIKE AN IMBECILE ON MY BLOG! teeheehee.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

nothing lasts forever, even bad times.
i don't want to be too optimistic and i don't dare to, but i also believe that someday all that waiting will pay off. and that we will all find happiness :)

with you

2011-04-05T13:33:00.006+08:00

cause with you, i'm running
running to somewhere i can't get to
there's no way that you'd ever understand

I have nothing meaningful that I can express in words today. I can already feel youth slipping through my fingers as the days blur. I am still young. These are meant to be the best years of my life but... I would wish my days be more meaningful. So many times at the end of the day I wonder to myself: what the fuck are you doing?

I'm choking on words now and have no wish to ramble today.

lumix

2011-04-01T14:50:00.005+08:00

i haven't been taking as many pictures as i want to since i changed my camera from the tiny sony compact to a fat & heavy lumix! the whole point of buying a better camera was to... take prettier pictures. but now i'm too lazzzzyyyyy.

i should stop being lazy because i don't want to forget all these precious moments. they shouldn't go undocumented :( :(

to encourage myself (hahaha.) i am gonna post two pretty pictures from the past. hehe.

2009?

2011.

i really love my sistas4lyf hehe. and that includes the girl who doesn't really like to camwhore!

2009

i thought this was a really pretty picture of both sib and i. as in... our faces are pretty. HAHAH. sibyl next time when you're a famous gasoo, we shall use this picture as proof that you are an au naturale beauty kkz! YES I AM BUAY PAISEH.

okay life has been pretty good lately. my loot from gmarket arrived and it weighed a whooping 9.2kg! joanna and i managed to buy 9.2kg of things online we are awesome (Y)

also, i fell down walking outside wisma the other day and my knee has a bruises AND cuts. would prefer it to be one or the other. oh well, at least no one laughed at me (:

gmarket

2011-04-01T10:19:00.002+08:00

hehehe. so joanna and i went mad shopping online off gmarket and bought 9kg of stuff. I DON'T KNOW HOW. but i am relatively pleased with the shopping!

EMS delivery from gmarket is really fast, and it takes about 5 days for the package to arrive. gmarket is much more efficient compared to many overseas and even local shopping websites. shall not name examples and whine about how other sites took almost 2 months for a black dress to be delivered to me :(

okay the stuff we got :)

yay!

absolutely nothing

2011-03-29T17:01:00.006+08:00

whiny and rambling post. i told you so.

i wonder if this is how i should be leading my life. i fear growing up so, so much. i want to surrender. i don't dare to make any decisions right now.

i haven't gotten around accepting the offer to study human sciences in oxford yet although i should, pronto. people tell me that i am crazy for having reservations about going to oxford and i can see where they are coming from. i am wholly grateful for my place there and thank god everyday for my a level results. oxford. my dad's college too, this being both his dream and mine. yet... yet... i cannot see the future i want for myself from where i stand at the crossroads. not that i can see a future for any other course in uni. i chose human sciences entirely because of interest in the topics covered, without any consideration for my future career.

colour my life with the chaos of trouble. it seems like i rejected the route that would guarantee security in my future life. i cannot become a doctor unlike both my older siblings. believe me, everyday i wish i could wake up wanting and knowing that my calling in life is to be a doctor. i want to be guaranteed a good job placement in the future and that my life is set. i would never be poor. but truthfully, medical school rejected me. i want to be the selfless caregiver willing to join doctors without borders in a heartbeat after graduating. yet the only thing that compels me towards this profession... is the dollar signs. when i realised that, i knew that it would be a mistake to even desire to study medicine. but my head tells me that i could never be happy in the future as a regular employee with a desk job that barely pays the bills.

of course i know that being a doctor is not the only road to success... but it seems that way to me. i look up to my older brother and older sister, my role models and the benchmark for success. i have always compared myself to them. am i good enough in my studies as gor & jie? am i as pretty as my sister? as tall as her? is gor a better son than i am as a daughter? i've lived my whole life following their footsteps and this time i am not running after them, not chasing the same dream anymore. except their dream will become reality, and for me, only a lifetime of dreaming. how will i find the courage to step out of their shadow and find my own place in life? i can't. i just can't.

i will be leaving singapore soon. i will be going to university in england. i will be away from the only life i know. i am not ready. not ready to lose my friends here especially. i know we will all get caught up with the papers/research in uni and our lives will grow separate. and then the feeling of detachment bereft of a sense of belonging anywhere. put a language in your head and get on a train, and then come back to the one you love.... who?

i am grateful for having sibyl as my confidante for she is never judgemental, whatever crap comes out from my mouth. i am grateful because she is one who will always patiently listen to what i have to say even when her own life is crazy while i am being my dramatic pessimistic self. we talked about... the usual today ;)

i met you in the daylight, our visions misbehaving. i cannot quite seem to discern reality from my expectations. expectations that turn into pseudo reality for me and i live believing the lies i tell myself. so much more simple being delusional.

we have love. there is nothing else to be proud of. a thought is nothing wrong. but what if that thought leads me to action?

if i could take away distance and time then everything would be perfect.

i love this song sibyl posted as her facebook status

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded,
That for me, it isn't over.

-Adele, Someone Like You

words

2011-03-27T19:55:00.008+08:00

so much to say, so much i want to say and cannot express.
how i view life truly is limited to how i am able to describe it.

i will blog soon :)

the past has left its stain, now I feel the shame
I'll seize the day if you take away
the chains of yesterday

but I keep running, I am running
I keep living for the day that I'm with you

사랑이 아냐
이건 사랑이 아냐
너의 집착일 뿐이야
어디 있든지
내가 무얼 하든지
무서워 나를 바라보는 너

이건 아냐 사랑이 아니야
내게 상처뿐이야 이러지 마
널 사랑 했지만
이제는 아니야
너의 기억에서 날 잊어줘

2011-03-26T09:27:00.005+08:00

i am lazy to blog lehhhh.

@FLOWERPOWERSSS I THINK I JUST MET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE TOO

nothing to blog about!

2011-03-20T11:56:00.006+08:00

hello :)

i really can't be arsed to blog anymore :( why oh why do i not feel like it already??? i really need something for me to remember. i will try to blog more. i will.

soz i didn't feel like colour correcting any of the pictures and photobucket is so slow i gave up uploading everything lol.

so my life has been quite boring. but i am happy. i have never been so happy in such a long time. i go out with people i love and spend time with them. i have all the time in the world to myself mostly these days and i really enjoy every moment.

i'm not racing against time, not trying to meet any deadlines any more. even so, i no longer feel lost and without direction. i will be going to university in september. and now it's my turn to have loads of fun. and yeah, thus a very jobless kj.

i don't feel very pretty/gorgeous recently. i do not like my tiny pink camera anymore because i have a new lumix. yet this lumix is quiteeee heavy and i do not like lugging it around. thus no pictures. i also caved and got myself an instax. i kind of life instant cameras :) and i want to buy more films.

i recently discovered gmarket and ordered stuff off it. i am addicted to it right now. i will totally dedicate one whole blog entry to gmarket.

i miss my friends from everywhere. but i do know that i will be leaving eventually. and keeping in touch will become exhausting. especially for someone like me. i am usually happy to be by myself. i do love my friends... but... i hardly ever take the initiative. approaching others puts myself up for rejection. maybe i fear that. maybe it's easier to just slip away quietly :)

and that was a jab at people who totally forgot about lil old me ^^
WAHLAO HOW CAN?!

okay plans plans plans. i want to go to to yonsei for the summer language program. and i have applied to yonsei already. all that is left would be for me to get my acceptance letter and to pay them the moooolah! i hope the nuclear radiation thing will not affect seoul. i really, really want to go this time.

i've been leading an active lifestyle ok! :) and i realised that i don't like hatha/vinyasa/traditional yoga. i like fly yoga. but my teacher is not teaching in singapore anymore. also, i like salsa and ballet. salsa class is so fun because i never ever remember the steps but just dance to whatever the guy leads me to.

i spend way too much money on silly dance classes but... it's better than buying branded bags right? decided against the alexander mcqueen clutch. i don't need any more bags. i always use the same bag anyway. such a hassle to use a different bag everytime i go out... no? or maybe i just am not rich enough to buy truckloads of them ^^

maybe i am not spending that much money afterall? when i go shopping i tend to lose track of what i spend on. but now with dance classes, i know exactly how much i paid. and ballet isn't cheap yo. i just had to part with $410 to go for class at the ballet & music company. but it's at choa chu kang so i don't have to spend 3 hours travelling back and forth for ONE hour of class. yeah, it takes that long to get to suntec from my place. really. include the time taken to walk, and waiting for the bus. THREE SOLID HOURS. salsa, ballet, fly yoga, PCD. money money money. oh and i never knew that it would cost around $2500 to get a freaking driving license.

but i will not work. and i am thankful that my parents are really nice about my spending habits. i must must must spend less...

i actually feel guilty for not working and living off my parents shamelessly. oh well, am gonna go help out at my dad's exhibition at MBS next week for 4 days. that would be like $150? yeah i am only worth $7 an hour. market rate.

oh dang. now i feel crappy for wanting to go to yonsei to learn korean. but if i don't do it now... will i ever get the chance to again? i am going to university for my undergraduate course, and then i want to go onto postgrad. and i will work and earn lots of money until the day i die. so is yonsei justified?

oh and red riding hood starring amanda seyfried was awesome. i want a red hood and i want to look like amanda seyfried. i also ate yigloo's froyo before the movie. i've been eating yigloo a lot. because the "frozen yogurt" reallly tastes like ice cream. and its just as sinful. but i don't care i can delude myself into thinking that it is healthy. i also have this card, when i get 12 stamps i get a free cup of yigloo. im on stamp #7 already ^^

rant rant rant. i think i will complain somemore soon. but i need to go out to meet my sistazx4lyf now.

didn't proofread this entry. pardon any grammatical/spelling errors. and my incoherence.

a levels straight As

2011-03-04T17:43:00.002+08:00

thank you god.
thank you to:
my parents, my sister & brother, my friends and teachers.

thank you for believing in me even though i never could have faith in myself.

i did well for my A levels. thank god.

so many times i thought over and over again, what if i don't make it? i did not think that the papers i sat for were easy. i couldn't answer quite a number of questions. i played the scenario in my head over and over again. the scenario of getting the grades i want. i couldn't fathom any other outcome, and would not have been able to accept it. i feel very blessed.

i never studied that hard in my entire life. i gave it my all and now i do not have any regrets.

i will walk on with courage. life awaits :)

results are coming...

2011-02-27T09:35:00.004+08:00

well. life has been pretty good. i am grateful to be able to bum around all day without my parents yelling at me for not earning my own pocket money :)

i am so, so afraid of getting back my results. what if i fail? how will i face my parents?? how do i face myself? i wouldn't be able to forgive myself. i wouldn't know what to do with my life. i would be so ashamed... i could die.

please don't tell me how you think i'd "be just fine". all i hear would be your expectations of me... giving me even more pressure.

i thought that time was crawling and that the days would be long since i am literally doing nothing everyday. yet march is approaching. i can't help but feel scared that i have to face life again soon. when uni starts. oh god, i hate studying. i hate how i cannot waste my life away. not that there is some external pressure like my parents forcing me to study. there's a voice in my head yelling at me for being useless and she wants nothing less than perfect from me.

i had fancied going to expo today to book my trip overseas. i want to travel so badly. i decided against going today. because if i don't get the grades i want, i don't deserve any holiday... right? i wanted to buy the alexander mcqueen glove clutch. i think that it is gorgeous and my sis reminded me to get it. i put it on hold. i'm putting a lot of things on hold now, pending on my grades. do i deserve this? do i deserve that? this is me admitting to how i measure myself by the grades i achieve.

i'm not even brilliant. people who place that much importance on their grades should be fucking geniuses. and what am i?

shall cease the whining.

i absolutely LOVE fly yoga. it is so much more fun that other forms of yoga. i can literally die of boredom for yin and hatha yoga. ashtanga and vinyasa yoga is so much better. such a pity that my yoga teacher isn't gonna continue her long drive down from KL weekly to teach fly yoga anymore :( i really enjoyed her lessons.

2011-02-10T19:23:00.004+08:00

i don't feel like doing anything anymore. i don't want to reply my texts and i don't want to hang out.

so this is how life without school really is like. i can't live without a schedule, without a timetable and most importantly, without a goal. i'm just waiting... waiting for nothing. i don't know what the future holds for me and i don't know if i want to keep walking on. feels like i've been on the wrong path all along and i... can't go on already.

i tried to find something to focus on. dance? yoga? and now... learning to drive.

would very much rather stay at home and watch the television all day long. except i feel empty doing this.

i feel empty going for loads of classes though.
i feel empty meeting friends in town for lunch or dinner. i like my friends. but all that leisure and fun i'm having now... just isn't for me.

neither is my expanding waistline from "doing lunch/dinner" every time we meet up.

i've been gaining that much weight and basically, it sucks. i once was so convinced that my pudge needed to budge. it is difficult seeing myself growing bigger almost uncontrollably. then i hear how i am "healthier looking" and "not as skinny/thin anymore". i can't help but feel like in their minds, they are gleeful about how i am... FAT.

oh well. i really enjoyed the chinese new year binge :D buffet everyday = awesome!

i think i need to go to school. though i complain about having so much shit to do in school, how i yearn to rot and decay and ferment in front of my computer screen watching mindless dramas/films... i need to feel that i am being productive.

right now i am of no value to the society.
then again, i never was.

all this complaining will get you nowhere

guess what? i don't want to go anywhere.

2011-02-10T14:00:00.003+08:00

i dont get why people hide what they mean behind "lol", "just kidding" and "joking!".

we all know.

2011-01-31T10:11:00.004+08:00

If I don't get enough sleep, my anti-depressants won't work. Then I'll go crazy and I will kill you.

uninvited

2011-01-28T14:29:00.005+08:00

i am physically very tired. packing my days so i won't have more than a minute to think. was pretty fun reconnecting with hj, jos and yogie :) they are such nice peopleeeee. i think i want to see the s77 girls very soon too.

i'm glad i don't have to ever go home alone if i don't want to.

very excited for eliz. i hope she gets into medicine! of all the people i know who are applying, eliz seems to be the one who loves HELPING people. sincerely. and also the reason she told me last year while we were walking out of hwach :):)

to be honest i don't feel like blogging anymore. i can't say how i feel. too bad.

yoga core + yin yoga nearly killed me. i guess yoga is something that really isn't like me at all, i fidget a lot and am always restless. i don't know why doing something i hate appeals so much to me. i love conflicts :D today, i realised that i can't stay in one position for even 3 minutes wtf.

says a lot about my character.

lifehouse

2011-01-27T23:16:00.011+08:00

i've already been there already done that
it got me nowhere it brought me nothing
but a good place to hide in
no one to confide in now

***

these miles have torn us worlds apart, and i miss you
and i wish you were here

i miss the way the sunshine would light up your face

***

the broken light on the freeway left me here alone
i may have lost my way now but i haven't forgotten my way home

i'm falling apart, barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
in the pain there is healing

***

staring right back in the face, a memory can't be erased
i know, because i tried
start to feel the emptiness and everything I'm gonna miss
i know, that i can't hide

all this time is passing by i think it's time to just move on

start to breathe and fake a smile, it's all the same after a while

***

i miss the people who truly understand me. i wish they weren't so far away from me. i also kind of wish i understood myself more. but it isn't easy living a very tangled mess which is my life. if only things really are what it seems. if only i could be more than... this. i fuck things up on purpose because happiness eludes me.

i need my best friend now. i don't have to say a word and you get me.

and i do love lifehouse a whole lot.

2011-01-17T09:34:00.002+08:00

cause if you're not really here
then i don't want to be either
i wanna be next to you
black and gold
black and gold
black and gold

i don't see what i can feel
if vision is the only validation
then most of my life isn't real

***

i watched the rocky horror show last night! it was so dirrrrty ahahhaha. should totally be m18 instead of nc16! i really enjoyed the interaction with the audience :) and the live singing was so coooool. watching it made me wish that i could dance broadway jazz.

i've been eating way too much recently though :(:( i had nice yong tau foo from siglap, then sogurt for dessert. and i went to no signboard seafood restaurant for dinner. the chilli crab was soooo good. think i'm becoming a convert. i usually like black pepper everything, instead of chilli. i've got a craving for chilli con carne from leicester right now though. but those two chillis are completely different.

i need to meet up with sibyl soon, like, today or tomorrow.
i am toying with the idea of getting a tragus piercing on my right ear this time.
i wonder if i should do yoga more seriously :)

boys.

2011-01-15T10:52:00.010+08:00

i've been really busy lately and i think i quite like it.

***

running into a nightmare from two years ago. terrifying and sad at the same time. well i guess i don't have to right to be depressed since it wasn't much. it was nothing, nothing at all.

so i asked the very trustworthy Y.J. who now works at brewerks and gets free booze every night. and i got advice from a hungover and possibly still intoxicated best friend. i've not binned everything yet. i will get around doing it really soon. but i procrastinate too much. in all honesty, i've not binned anything yet.

***

you don't just forget about people who mean something to you. and surely, you do not ignore them. a man is only as good as his word. what nerve...

***

i really like a fine frenzy :)

a fine frenzy - near to you
he and i had something beautiful / but so dysfunctional, it couldn't last / i loved him so but i let him go / cause i knew he'd never love me back

near to you, I am healing / but it's taking so long / cause though he's gone and you are wonderful / it's hard to move on / yet, i'm better near to you.

i'm battle scarred, i am working oh so hard / to get back to who i used to be

he's disappearing / fading steadily, i'm so close to being yours / won't you stay with me / please?

***

i worked for four days with yueli at raffles city convention centre. surprisingly, i enjoyed working after all. the people were really nice actually. but i do not feel particularly sad that it's over. in my almost eighteen years, i've learnt that most friendships are extremely transitory. i do hope i remember the experience, unfortunately, i will forget very soon.

***

i feel like going to a club everytime i hear taio cruz's break your heart.
i'm only gonna break break ya break break ya heart~

i do wanna go for salsa night soon! latin music pleaseeeeeee.

without direction

2011-01-09T19:33:00.005+08:00

it's a big girl world now
full of big girl things
and everyday... i wish i was small.

today, i wish i had a way with words. i don't think i'll ever manage to express myself the way i feel with complete accuracy. i've got a million and one emotions, thoughts and feelings racing through my mind.

i am 18 going on 19 this year. i had pictured 18 to be perfect and it isn't. as a child, i thought the 18 year olds had it all, they could get into clubs and get wasted on alcohol. they could party all night. and i can too, now. but that life isn't mine and age probably will never change the way i am inside.

i don't like making decisions about my life because i don't dare to fail. i don't like how i have no clue what to do with the time at hand now. i get so restless and find that the days have no meaning because i no longer have a goal. the targets i had in the past weren't even targets i set for myself. my environment did. getting through the major exams was the goal so now what do i do?

if i could be certain that in september this year, the course i am taking in university would guarantee success, i could sit at home all day and not feel this desperation within. i would have something to look forward to eagerly. but i am not sure.

there are so many things i wish i could do. and i don't have the drive to go forth with gusto anymore. i have been presented with choices. i may very well end up choosing none.

i am fickle.

i don't want to sound depressed here. trust me, i am not. this moodiness shows up mostly when i try to blog. because then i contemplate life and i always end up feeling blue after. i should just stop thinking. i can almost perfect that now.

:)

***

i will one day bridge the distance between us. i am sorry i shut you out for too long.

***

i absolutely adore this iphone application

***

my brother left singapore yesterday and my sister will be returning next week. i miss them both. funny how i can't live with my siblings... yet i can't be without them completely. friction arises when we're too close. but literal and metaphorical distance between us makes me really sad sometimes.

happyness

2011-01-03T21:09:00.005+08:00

happyness

all pictures may be found on facebook. so what's the point of this entry?

nice people make me happy :D

i am too darn lazy to use my camera already! so i depend on people to take the pictures now ^^ i should quit being lazy so i can have some pictures for my blog, not found on facebook!

i am gonna work with yueli for 4 days :)

***

you're supposed to break my heart, i expect you to
so why haven't you?

2011

2011-01-01T22:29:00.005+08:00

so i spent New Year's Eve feeling really miserable. and then i felt like crap for most of the afternoon. i actually walked around bukit panjang alone for about an hour or so, listening to bad sad love songs.

crossing the bridge in front of zhenghua primary school, i recognised a familiar adult face. some teacher/worker in the primary school walked in the opposite direction and i once knew his name and greeted him whenver i saw him. with the "zhenghua bow". i don't remember much about the 6 years in primary school. i keep forgetting my past. one day, i will forget 2010 and my time in hwach.

today felt like any other day. i got up too early and didn't get sufficient rest as usual but felt like hitting the gym. so i got on the cross trainer and worked away all the troubles in my life. before i knew it, the preset 35 minute workout was over and i couldn't remember what songs were playing on my ipod. guess i wasn't paying attention to the music. one should always run the 2.4km for napfa when troubled. the physical pain will not be felt because the mind is focused on something else. except of course, i do not have to do napfa ever.

i didn't feel very much better after exercising.

...

then i put on my best sunny disposition and i wasn't alone anymore.

sometimes i feel like i am living a big damn lie. i can make myself seem really happy, and that play-acting deceitful thing i do, i grow to believe it. i pretended to be really happy... and then i DID feel so much better.

i had a great conversation with a friend i kind of overlooked in my time in HCI. i am really glad we clicked :)

i really do feel extremely pleased now. today ended well too. what was perfect today, makes the whole day perfect. so what if i was moping for a few hours?

come on. just another day. i don't need the new year to make a fucking resolution. i will get my ass off the chair, and make what i want actually happen.

2011.
i will be truly happy.

empty days ahead

2010-12-27T22:48:00.006+08:00

i met up with sibyl today :) shopping is never productive when i'm with an awesome friend cos i won't concentrate on the clothes/makeup but on the conversation! yet as i grow older, i find it increasingly difficult to make and keep friends close to me. i feel so lazy. i don't feel like getting my ass off the chair to hang out and do things with other people. maybe that's why everyone is drifting away from me. slowly but surely.

i wish i could maintain that hyper, enthusiastic side of myself all the time. but i just feel so tired. like sibyl said it best: "I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, but I work hard to put forward a better version of myself." i don't want to have to talk incessantly to fill up the awkward silence. i don't want the silence to be awkward.

i know i've found my best friend when we pick up right where we left off even after a long period without contact. i am so grateful that there is someone in my life like that for me.

but what about the other people in my life? must i watch potentially great friendships slip through my fingers? or is it my fault for being lazy and wanting to bum around the house all day?

today, someone's nonchalence was really off-putting. made me rather sad. fine, it made me sad. i shall not try to make less of how i felt - which was REALLY CRAPPY.

i also received bad news last night and i was taken aback. i realised how out of touch i was with the people from my past. seems like i don't treasure them enough. living in oblivion to the problems others had while focused on my own issues that seem so juvenile now.

i pray for the health, safety and happiness of all the good people in my life.

... as i look forward to empty days ahead.

oxford-leicester-london

2010-12-25T10:07:00.005+08:00

wanted to test out my lumix :D
and i normally do not sound like that. it was early in the morning and my quiet voice after watching The Social Network turned out funny.
photobucket video uploader does not sync the vid with the audio properly :(
i hate youtube and i dont know how to change it to private.

trip to leicester, london and oxford

2010-12-15T13:37:00.002+08:00

All righty. I shall blog about my trip to England. I had wanted to blog about a trip “to the UK” but of course my plan to take a train up to Edinburgh, Scotland did not materialise.

I woke up early morning, went for yakun horlicks, eggs and kaya toast because the day before I received Sibyl at the airport and had horlicks for the first time in my life. I thought it was delicious and I still do now. So yakun is my new favourite breakfast place instead of Choupinette and their eggs royale.

The plane journey was all right as the flight was completely full, except for two seats by my side. This meant I had three seats to myself and was considered lucky to be able to lie down and sleep. Except of course, I do not sleep on planes as much as I do not even sleep in my own bed. I stuffed my face with plane food because there was nothing better to do.

I took a bus to Leicester with my sister and was really glad to see her. I am always glad to see my very cool and awesome sister (: I reached Leicester and it was freezing. I took the train to Oxford a day later by myself and promptly got myself cold, lost and in a very pathetic state at Birmingham New Street changing platforms/trains. The train was delayed and my luggage weighed so much. I still had to carry my luggage up and down a couple flights of stairs to change platforms multiple times. It was minus twelve or ten degrees that day and I wanted to cry. Except crying wasn’t going to change anything, it won’t make my sister or brother come rescue me because they’ve got life to do. And other meaningful, adult stuff. Little sister has to get out there in the real world and learn to survive. I decided crying wasn’t gonna work out because it was so fucking cold if I cried, I wondered if my tears would freeze up on my fucking face. I managed to get on a train to Oxford eventually.

St Catz was really, really nice. Nice in the way that I know that I would die to be part of it. My dad studied at catz a good 30 years ago and I know he would be so happy if I got accepted. But my abilities are limited and I am only that good. Maybe not good enough. I don’t like the faith people have in me because I fight never to let them down. And the fear of failing haunts me all the time. I’m not afraid of the fall; I can handle failure because I’ve felt like one all my life. But I don’t and won’t let those who believe in me experience that bitter and sour feeling I despise so much. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to live up to so many expectations.

I frustrated my sister to the point of tears, both of us. It seems like I can’t do anything that isn’t dumb. I thought I could dry the cups I washed up faster if I microwaved them… microwave dries up water doesn’t it? I know I am supposed to be clever, smart and intelligent. But I assure you I feel like an imbecile mostly.

It isn’t bitterly cold here in Leicester anymore. But the scare I had in Birmingham NS keeps me from taking a 5.5 hour train ride up to Edinburgh alone. I have not seen my brother in a year and I love Edinburgh as a city. I do not want to sit staring out of train windows for hours.

Despair stares out from the tube-trains at itself
running on the platform for the closing door.

I will see my brother in a few days and we will head to London and then back home on the 20th. I wonder how my brother has been this year; I wonder if he changed into a person I no longer know. 2010 was a strange year. I became closer to my sister as the distance between my brother and I grew. I’ve always felt uncool enough to be my sister’s friend and had more to say to my brother. Now I just wish my brother would please open up and talk to me ): it would be lovely to have a close knit family without any secrets between us.

But I am holding on to some things that I cannot tell them. Strange isn’t it? How it is awkward to tell those closest to you, your family, about certain things in your life. They are the ones who see you at your most embarrassing moments and never, ever judge. Like eating sloppily. Then again I always do (: I talk with my mouth full to youjie EVERY time we eat out. Justification? If I didn’t we would be eating in silence. Okay I digressed, but just to lighten up this entry a tiny little bit.

Maybe that’s what friends are for. What’s unspeakable to your family, you tell your friends. You couldn’t fart or even blow your nose in front of your friends because it is embarrassing. You couldn’t gush about the hot guy in your life to your family because it is embarrassing. I’m glad I have both.

So everyone who reads this and has both friends and family, smile, and be thankful (:

I really like A Fine Frenzy, Belle & Sebastian and Moby right now.
I was difficult to see/but you picked me.

2010

2010-12-03T21:34:00.007+08:00

i want to pen down every single thing that occurred in 2010. of course, that is not possible because my memory isn't good. days just passed me by and slipped through my fingers.

i remember studying, and study very hard i did. yet i don't know if its enough. it never is enough. immoderate. i tried my best not to let my self worth be decided by the grades i get but i don't know how else to measure my life. i know this make me sound like a loser, and like a nerd/geek whatever. i feel more like a failure when i realise how much emphasis i place(d) on grades because i don't even achieve good results. results. results. results. no one gives a fuck how hard you worked if you don't get that A grade.

i must say i've tried my best already. i couldn't have worked any harder than i did. and i am proud of my achievements. which is nothing, nothing compared to the really gifted people i will never be. i doubled my grades for math though :) a subject i used to be good at in primary school, flunked in secondary and miraculously scored an A1 during the O levels. i stand by how O levels was a fluke and that i am undeserving of those grades. but i remember studying so much. almost without any dignity...

i am pleased that my A levels are over. no more studying... like a dog. i keep using this phrase over and over again because Josias once said that i "study like a dawg". i remember it not because i am offended. but because it is true. i am not that girl who enjoys studying. i am not that girl who is the smartest in class, with or without effort. i am average and painfully mediocre.

once again, i have my friends to thank. though they may not know how much they mean to me... i truly am grateful. i'm not the nicest person to be around with. i'm paranoid, psychotic and very weird. but i must say that 09s77 has been really kind to me and no one hates me :) :) i made great friends but i was always a burden they had to carry. they always shouldered my issues. every single fucking issue in my life. i whine incessantly about everything and anything. i have my moments of a really nasty temper. but they never gave up on the friendship and put up with my volatile temper.

i remember crying on the class bench in 2009 post promos. i cried my heart out and looked like a mess and when i say cry, i mean wailing hysterically. yes that's what happens when you see 30/100. other times i keep asking caiyi the same question over, and over, and over again. did i get fatter? do i have any new pimples? is my skin improving? are my grades ok? am i gonna fail? I AM GONNA FAIL? HELP ME HELP ME!
despite all these, my classmates never judged me. or if they did, they never did let me find out how they thought i was a weird bitch.

i neglected my old friends. maybe we were too busy for each other. i thought funjuin and huiyi were going to be my best, best, best friends forever. for life. we still are good friends but time has put the distance between us. regrets. i still wish we all went to the same JC. just wanna let the both of you know how important you are in my life. i managed to walk out of depression because i knew at the end, you would be receiving me with open arms. you still are waiting for the girl you knew back in secondary school.

i plan to mend each and every one of the friendships i neglected over the past year. i am sorry for not replying your texts. i am sorry for finding excuses to skip those meetings. and i am sorry i am not strong enough to listen to your troubles... i couldn't/can't even handle mine.

food. food. weight.
that number on the scale.
it wasn't unnoticeable. i did lose weight and eyebrows were raised. ask me if anything is wrong. i will lie through my teeth. i've not come to terms with my issues with food yet. not completely. but im not dangerously underweight anymore. all i can say is that i'm still the same girl x kg lighter than before. my weight makes no difference to the terribly insecure person i am underneath. i see that now finally. i never did stop eating completely i have to make this clear. i will elaborate when i am ready to face what really happened.

i actually wish JC will never end. i don't want to leave school and i don't want this to be over. i grew to love hwachong. a school i thought i would hate. a school i planned on hating from the start. i thought i would make no friends at all and i would be a loner who eats alone during recess time. all the nanyang girls would be together... and everyone else with the friends they already had. well, my class proved me terribly wrong. louisa was from st nicks, and she became a true friend. beyond the superficial talk about kpop, she listened to me when i needed a listening ear :) caiyi was from crescent and we ended up such great friends. nanyang girls... they did not ostracise me at allllll ^^

plan to self isolate and be a recluse failed in HCI anyway.
will try again in university :D

i enjoy time alone. i have no qualms about eating out and shopping alone. now, wipe that horror off your face.

split in the middle. am i actually talkative and sociable? or do i truly enjoy solitude? i don't even know myself. i guess i cannot decide who i am because who i am is one that is almost schizo. somedays i feel like... somedays i feel like...
it always changes.

what about feelings? i am not going to prom. i had pictured myself at prom with the boy of my dreams when i was still in secondary school. i am not even attending prom. and needless to say, who i thought would be my knight in shiny armour turned out to be an asshole in aluminium foil. not even the shiny side. crummy. thereafter i never liked anyone for real. fleeting emotions to fill some void. and that void disappeared too. as did all my make up and vanity that i threw right out of the window. i wasn't good enough for anything, or anyone.

so how much have i matured? i don't know. i don't know what to do with my life.
i am searching for happiness. and i never find it. except fleeting moments of joy. i wonder if that is all the happiness i will receive. how temporal.

enough rambling?
never :)

i did grow closer to my sister this year. i believe. and it is true. i always wanted to be just like my jiejie, at the same time i craved stepping out of her shadow. i think i got over the sibling rivalry and jealousy. i am so glad i have my older sis :) she talks sense to me and notices the issues i have that people overlook. she meticulously cares for every tiny detail in my life. i am glad to have an older sister. and i don't mind that she is better than me. i'm no longer jealous but happy that she is doing so well in her life :)

i think my hair looks great here so i'm including this picture.
my service learning project. camppandan/campFIRE. entirely altruistic :D RIIIGHT.
but i am glad i did this sl project because i got closer to shiing and zijin through that. and learnt that nanyang girls aren't intimidating. and that it is all right to make friends with people who already have friends. and that i may be psycho about cleanliness but people still accept me for who i am.
i also learnt that i may sit on grass without a catastrophic psoriasis outbreak.
i also learnt of how tolerant they are of my whining :)
i made new friends in this camp, but they promptly forgot about the friendship. it is sad when camps end because i know the relationship doesn't extend beyond the duration we are forced to be together. superficial greetings and smiles when we walk past each other in school... but it is not anybody's fault. c'est la vie.

i find this picture of me really pretty :D not for any vain reason but because i am sincerely happy. i can be the trigger happy keejia with my scgs friends. i have no inhibitions because they know how schizo i am. how i swing from depression to a maniac high in a matter of hours. i like how i can be insanely happy with them. and i love the crazy things we do.
please don't even leave my life. i need you guys around to bring out that spark in me and don't ever give up on me :)

happy days i will not forget.
sibyl has been very important in my life :) but i will spend much time blogging about her soon LOL. let's save it for now.

a brunch much, much earlier in 2010. followed by a movie! eclipse.
yi ting!! she's a friend who i know will always be willing to listen whenever i have problems. i have no more excuse now that a levels are over. henny, slow, patty... *HUGS*

i like this picture because i look like a flat chested skinny bitch. sometimes i wish i can forever be that skinny bitch. but i can't. because it isn't healthy and it isn't the body i should be in. i cannot shrink and fade into nothing. it just isn't possible. so i shall just... be normal.

my hair looks like crap in this photo. but i love it because its one of the few pictures i have with louisa. such a pity we didn't have much opportunity to talk because im a lazy ass who hates crossing the bridge. so i don't take 961, the only bus she may board to get back to woodlands. but bio lab lessons were more enjoyable because i enjoyed talking to loui :)

pretty things i like. i never did make the bento lunch i wanted to bring to school. had intended to pack my own lunch. i said i would for almost a year and now school is over :(

food porn.

some stuff i enjoyed eating. i managed to start enjoying food again only the later half of this year.

with the guy bestfriend who never judges me. who makes me eat more. yet refuses to be photographed because he doesn't wanna be seen with me cos it will ruin his reputation :P and maybe cost him his prom king title AHHAHA.
anyway, gogogo prom king nominee :) i hope you get the girl of your dreams soon AHAHHA. but when you do, i'll miss you complaining about how xxxxx isn't replying your sms. thanks for never arguing with me when i snap at you :) thanks for replying my texts at lightning speed when i need to be distracted!

check out the girl on her tiptoes... sticking her chest out :/

:) mr wong has been a great lit teacher! he finally passed me for prelims HAAHAHA.

this concludes hwachong 2010 :)

leaving for uk

2010-12-03T20:54:00.002+08:00

i've not had my fill of fun yet and i'm leaving in less than 48 hours.

please don't forget me when i return :( :(
and don't get sick of orchard because i still wanna go shop in orchard!

i felt like crap for majority of today and it's all because i cannot control my own panic attacks. well. everything will be fine.

i had intended to blog all about 2010. i need to document my life. but here i am whining about how i don't want to have to blog that much.

i procrastinate.

i even procrastinate having fun.

almost the end of a levels

2010-11-23T18:30:00.000+08:00

i can see the end already :)

bye 2009 hello 2010

2009-12-31T21:21:00.005+08:00

because people move on with their lives.
i don't feel the need to blog anymore. and i don't want to :)

for those really involved in my life, you already know what i'm going through. so what's the point of this blog? if you aren't, then GET IN NOWWWW :D:D

in all honesty, i just want to focus on what's really important. and i don't think spending time blogging is worth it anymore :S

i will be back. when my life loses focus and i need something to do.
(hint: my holiyear in 2011!)

my treasured old old old friends that always keep in touch despite the distance between us. i hope we stay friends forever (cliche, but really!). and yes, i would appreciate you guys making the first move because deep down i am shy and worried you guys have gotten on with life without me in it. don't ever assume that we've drifted apart because i swear nothing has changed since the last time we've spoken. i just like to live in my little bubble and i need coaxing!

well, if you can't be bothered then you don't deserve... anything.

i hope to love and appreciate the people around me the best that i can every single day of my life. my family and friends, here's to you.

2010 will be so important and i have to make it.
failure is not an option :)

the last picture for a very long time :)

i want to stop blogging

2009-12-28T08:37:00.002+08:00

The one and only seating partner of my upper secondary education DISAPPEARED from my life! but as all fate had it, she can never escape meeeee. (even when shopping with her mother)OMGOMG how likely are we to meet randomly!

Omg you should go out more in UK belinda! :) i like your camera a lot.
After so many years I'm glad people still TURN UP.

We are damn epic. 5 years later, still the same old conversation. lol.

bowling VS soccer

Yeah I woke up at like 6am just to open my christmas present even though I knew what it was gonna be :S Doesn't make it any less exciting!

I think I'll miss Zeanne, Loon Foong, Wei Wen, Austin, Ihsan, Alicia, En Tong, Keisha, Brosnan and Jia He.

christmas

2009-12-25T22:27:00.008+08:00

So how was your christmas? Were you partying? Or were you spending quality time with your family?

Did you put out a big stocking for Santa? I did. I don't believe in Santa Claus. I never did but receiving presents was something I always looked forward to. I remember daddy sneaking $50 into the christmas stocking when I was much younger :) This year my sister was real generous. Thank you! Are we happy? Is tonight the right time to evaluate our whole life? All the relationships with the people around us? Have I been a good person this year? As a daughter, a sister, a friend... and as a student.What do you live for?

Christmas treats! & the perfect excuse for an extravagant dinner with family and/or friends together. Who did you wish to spend time with?Did you?
Why do holidays make me feel more alone than ever.

For those who remembered and cared. Thank you @ElizabethFMH "Regen kommt Sonne"

parents quarrelling, xmas

2009-12-23T21:37:00.003+08:00

my parents are quarrelling over something so minor. yet again.

why isn't my life perfect yet?

lots of homework yet to be completed and i have this nasty sick feeling deep inside me. fearing when the big divorce actually materializes. i hope it never does.

i introduced eli to takoyaki today and i like takoyaki. zheren actually came all the way to pass me cookies he baked and i think he's either super nice or super free :D i did enough work for today and was looking forward to either freaking out on the amount of food i've eaten today or slack around watching dramas.

now i have no mood for anything.

christmas is in 2 days. christmas eve is tomorrow.

wish me a merry christmas. merry.

lousy school holiday

2009-12-20T19:07:00.011+08:00

so i've been sitting around doing precisely nothing since my volunteer work at the childcare centre has ended. waking up at 6.30 am every morning to take a one hour busride to boonlay made my lousy holidays ever so slightly more fruitful.

i learnt many things and i fell in love with the playgroup i was kinda in charge of. two year old kids. pain in the ass most of the time but they are welllll... pretty cute. i will forget their names soon and in a few months i will completely forget everything. it was fun being an angel in their eyes for a few weeks. god knows what the childcare teachers must have thought of me. yeah they praised me for being a great helper... their best volunteer, ever.

thank you. for your kind words. honestly, thank you.

i really wanted to study hard for next year. because i am rather stupid. i need to catch up but as usual, i broke all the promises i made to myself. i am no longer disappointed in this failure. i pretty much expected it to happen. i simply cannot sit myself down to study during my fucking december holidays. it just won't happen. not to someone like me, at this time, in my current emotional state.

am i nicely healed up already?

i don't know.

i did things i liked. i threw myself into fantasy world and lived my life through a screen for a couple of days. i am scary when i watch dramas. i put my life on hold and i just marathon hours on end. until the drama ends. in that make believe world, i don't have my own issues/problems. i live within the confines of...

stomach was filled with yummy food as usual. i tried out pedal go karting which was seriously retarded. i went to the cinema and watched movies but nothing was good. i never am satisfied with the movies i watch, or with anything in my life.

time to come back down to earth?

i love eggs royale at choupinette. i've been trying to convince caiyi to eat there with me for about half a year. (not working). i had eggs florentine in leicester and the hollandaise sauce wasn't very good. but the english muffins in the UK are so so so much better than in singapore.

mocha was (L). HOT mocha.
i'll never go back to drinking iced mocha from starbucks. ever.

choupinette makes the most amazing cream for their pastries. that's what makes them awesomeeeee.

i feel like the uber cool volunteer kid :) after hours of free labour at childcare which is physically and emotionally VERY demanding (think screaming kids that kick me)... i am ravenous by 12pm. so i go to din tai fung for a happy lunch with people who make me happy. despite my acid tongue, of course, i love them very much.

everyone probably knows i love tofu already.

yeah and my mom was right after all. their chicken soup is GOOOOD. chicken soup for the soul right :) after going to war against those 2 year olds... hell yeah chicken soup.

i watched the movie Avatar today. i have no clue how they are gonna cover the costs of producing that film. graphics were excellent and i was in the cinema for 2.5 hours.

BALITHAI~

it looks kinda gross here. half eaten and all. but i love tom yum goong. when i was like in primary school i couldnt ever drink this soup. i had to pour it over my rice because it was tooo spicy. eh i drank like 4 bowls of it straight from the spoon today.

i wore the souvenir shirt i bought from edinburgh. yes i love it because it has a nice big cross and it's baby pink. and i like pink.

we love this jacket thing i bought from people of asia :) i think it's an absolute waste of money but we love it.

the awesome empty bus i took to changi airport. thanks to yi ting who told me that 36 goes straight to changi airport :) once in my life i just had to take the bus to the freaking airport. because.

my first christmas card this year :):) i like it. and a box of chocolates.

everything about this picture makes me happy. i don't look nice here i know but it shows my latest nail colour, which is baby pink of course. and it shows that my nails are short. i just chopped off my nails into half its previous length because of an epiphany.

that my nails are (always)too damn disgustingly long.

i was being a horrible bitch by deleting the "candid" photo.

oh and yes. i've removed those horrid braces which i grew to adore.

2009-12-07T19:02:00.003+08:00

어떡하죠, 어떡하죠? 그대가 떠나가네요
어떡하죠, 어떡하죠? 날 두고 떠나가네요
사랑해요 사랑해요 목 놓아 불러 보지만
그댄 듣지 못해요 가슴으로만 외치고 있으니

edit: omg nothing is happening in my life.

holidays

2009-12-02T19:38:00.003+08:00

my sister will be back for christmas !

i have been leading a rather fulfilling life lately. or so i would like to think.
my holidays are approaching the end soon because WHAT THE BUNNY it's december already.

so. i've been volunteering at an infant and childcare centre caring for kids aged 2-6 and they drive me absolutely nuts. but still, i get up at 6am every morning (disregard that it's the holidays) and take the bus from interchange to interchange and walk a shitload to reach the venue.

yay i am a good person. for once.

i'm back home. i am who i used to be already. the cheerful, bubbly and insanely in bliss kee jia. you know, that happy girl you want to punch in the face. just because.

i'm not back home because i am volunteering. because i have found my escape again.

i remember how yi ting, henz and some sc girls said i lost this radiance i used to have. well, GUYZ, I'M GETTING IT BACK :D

stress.

as sibyl said, i was uninterested in anything for a period of time. a long period. a few months but hopefully i've slipped out of it :D i may just be a normal kid again.

except now, i hardly qualify as a kid because holy shit next year is 2010 and i'll be eighteen. do you know how i dread turning eighteen? i've not watched my first NC16 movie and i am freaking turning 18? DUUUUDE???

i am going to be a happy, busy girl soon.
things started changing since i went overseas to UK actually. i could finally do absolutely nothing productive for 10 or so days and i stopped obsessing over how i looked, my weight and how obese i felt.

i still have fat days. but things are looking down.

caiyi, i stopped writing in that diary. i know you know what diary :) the one i report to daily. i listened to what you said in your letter to me, and i will stop obsessing.

i've not been interested in anything but finallyyyy i am in something :D:D whoooop.
i have lots of people to thank. joanna especially :D because of her insistence, i've rediscovered the kee jia who had no qualms about wasting hours on end dreaming.

i love day dreaming.

장.근.석

I AM OBSESSING OVER SOMETHING ELSE NOW!!!

yes i am a compulsive obsessor.

i am happy and i grin to myself :D:D yeah this is me. with the extra random teeheehee during meal times, during busrides and in class (OH IF THERE WAS SCHOOL~~).

yay i found the love of my life again and that is a secret but but but i recovered a part of me that was lost when my poor big heart got broken :D:D

TRALALALA.

if only you knew :)

i stopped bringing my camera everywhere with me because i don't wanna share the yumzzz food i've been eating.

I WILL BE FAT FOR YOUR SAKES.

*rubs tummy*

okay hinthint, i'm gonna try all the restaurants in jurong point. that is my goal volunteering at a place next to jurong point.

and because uhhh my minor minor laser treatment on my face screwed up and i had blotchy red nasty skin :( but it is soooo healing (being happy is wondrous).

but do you wanna know the real reason why i don't wanna take pictures? because i don't wanna use it anymore. the last photo i took was in edinburgh. i don't want to ever have to delete those pictures from my camera's memory. i don't wanna touch that camera. sentimental reasons, just because i don't want to touch those memories.

don't know lah. but today is worth celebrating.

because i exist as i am.
i am not gonna even list the problems i think i possess and say, oh even though im yadda yadda yadda, i still love myself.

NONONO. i am gonna overlook those short comings and say today, i am happy to be me.

i am radiating joyyyyyy today. it isn't the keejia cracks a joke, pulls a funny face kinda happy. i am not even laughing but i am happy. i am not smiling but i am happy.

you know, it kinda hurts laughing/smiling soooo much :):)

i don't really want to continue blogging. but today, i am bored and i felt like i should record my feelings down.

hey friends in my life now, friends i actually let into my life and friends who let me into yours, stay with me forever. *together forever~~ rick astley HAHAHHA*

and oh my gawdzzxz i am so happy today i met sibyl and we talked about totally insignificant stuff. like the hotness that is of my future husband HAHAHAH. HENNY YOU WATCH OUT, I'M GONNA STEAL YOUR PIGBUNNY!!!

PIGBUNNY PIGBUNNY PIGBUNNY.

chaoda face or not i faced everyone bravely :D whoooop
AHLIAN HEINEKEN SHIRT FOR THE WIN !

i was pointing deb's umbrella/walking stick at the camera :)

tralala. i am intending to give up blogging.

depressing holiday

2009-11-28T11:48:00.001+08:00

friend: i want to die
me: i want to die too.
(pause)
but the difference between me and you, is that i am serious.

시간이 없어

uk pics and more

2009-11-23T18:47:00.004+08:00

i'm back :)
tadum! the reason why i had to plonk my ass down on a seat and not move for 14 hours.

yeah that's dubai for you, complete with pink borders that are 10 pixels wide. really, dubai is just sand and buildings, sand and buildings.

but the airport at dubai is really really pretty. was so fascinated by the decor(?). not so excited the second time round.

CAMBRIDGE. omgomg i have to repeat that i saw LILY COLE at Cambridge!!!!

edinburgh :) i reallyyyy love edinburgh! all the buildings are freaking old and old is good!

on the train from birmingham

leicester is so pretty in the morning :) yeah and i wasn't wearing a jacket. a t shirt. yeeeeep. i lasted like, 20 seconds outside -.-

hehe i like this picture.

that was like the highest point in my whole trip. the bag.

so i got to edinburgh after a 5 hour long train ride. yeah scenery is awesomeeeeee. not when all you have is the awesome scenery. for like 5 hours.anyway, my brother was like brandishing his identity card thing around when i went inside his room. like he knew i wanted to wear it LOL. then he took out his stethoscope so i could play with it. don't know if he did that because he remembered i was sulking when siso refused to let me play with her stethoscope. anyway my bro is super nice. and i can hear my heart beating!

was holding some alcoholic drink. well, my first "pub dinner". yeah the dinner my siso refused me :( :(

@ saigon saigon having pretty decent chinese food in scottttland! my sis skipped 3 lectures to come up to edinburgh.

more pictures on facebook but on private. ask if you wanna see them, if you wanna see them.

futile attempt at shopping. i am really, really sad about not buying much. oh well, wasn't planning to shop right! i was going to visit my siblings.

i asked my father why we had to make this trip and all he said was because my mother wanted to go. oh well. waste money siaaaaaaa. but it was pretty fun. my life wasn't boring and BLAH.

i walked EVERYWHERE this holiday and ate so so so so much. like 3x the normal amount of food i would eat in singapore! dieting gets thrown out of the window when people go on a HOLIDAY. i loveeeee breakfasts in angmo land! it's so satisfying compared to my nasi lemak, meepok, roti prata, youtiao, various paus and kaya toast kind of breakfast.

ehhhh. everything is very nice in uk and i don't feel like talking about my trip anymore. somehow.

i had breakfast at chocolate soup in edinburgh and i loved their melted chocolate. but somehow, eating all that unhealthy food for 10ish days made me a sad girl. i somehow don't like chocolates anymore. but heck, i always say i'll never eat X again after i eat loads of it. but two more days and i'm back to normal.

i did this, this and this. i saw that and all those shit. they are in my head and i will forget every thing i saw eventually. hmmm some memories are too precious for me to attempt to record and reproduce them. so they belong in my head, to be forgotten over time :)

all i know is that i am very happy with my family life right now.

my life is gonna be so darn mundane from now on. i didn't go for debate today cos i was too pooped to do anything. and i was asleep.

i think i'll be very sad when sibyl leaves for her malaysia, bangkok, hongkong, macau, melbourne/USA and maybe korea. shit man i'll be epic sad in singapore.

solitude. "fj~ isolation" yeah best partner for like, ever. i almost get what you mean. i mean, look at all the people i have on my msn list. how many of them can i actually have a proper conversation with? look at the numbers in my phone contacts. how many of them do i actually text??

i've either been a complete asshole to people or i never bothered to maintain the friendships. i don't LIKE making friends to be totally honest. i hate the whole introduction thing, the awkwardness and the uncomfortable silence. i can hold a decent conversation anytime to chase the silence away, but i am not happy making small talk that's unneccessary. then sometimes i have no desire to even interact and i ignore texts and messages.

what was the point of the above paragraph anyway?

what i really wanna say is that i regret how i spent my time my whole fucking life. if i am not watching the television("drama-ing"), i am surfing news on hankyung.com. or i'll read some junk like Glamour and Cosmo (which by the way, is AWESOME. british editions). and i go to school, tuition, do my homework and study.

then i claimed to have no time for friends or going out when i spend hours on the internet and not living. shit, what IS living anyway? i am happy like that, so to me this should be LIFE. i should go get a life but this is my life so what can i do??!

i am incapable of getting straight to the point. so yeah that wasn't the point and i still digressed.

friends, i am terribly sorry i've not prioritised you over other things. now that i discovered sibyl will probably go to the states to study, I REGRETx3 not hanging out more. not listening to her troubles more. not giving enough crap advice. not spazzing over guys together enough (but that's not something we do together. and i stopped spazzing over hot guys I DON'T KNOW WHY). i regret being a friend who is barely there.

maybe i should spend my time mending everything... but wait. i have to study for my fucking SATS and maybe try to be DECENT at math.

i make lots of excuses. but i am one big fat lazy babi. the metaphor holds true still.

i can't wait to start volunteering at the infant and childcare centre. i'm going make myself spend time with kids and i was hardly ever fond of children. (being a kid myself). i hope i become a better person :S:S:S

uk trip!

2009-11-19T21:23:00.005+08:00

my tv internet sucks asssss. well basically, i paid £9.99 for 24hours of internet access using the television in my room and sucky keyboard the hotel provided. it's raining CATS AND DOGS (by angmo standards) right now! wellll the only good thing is that i can play Kings of Leon on the tele.

Nothing else in the world comes close to family (heartshape)

Dubai's airport is beautiful! even nicer than our Changi airport. my humble opinion only :)

oh yeah. on family. after a 7 hour flight from Dubai and a 1 hour delay waiting for lost baggage (i know, WTF?!) i was sooo happy to see my sister waiting for me at the Birmingham airport! i literally ran hehe.

I didn't go to London afterall so sorry dudes i didn't check out Burberry for y'all. I TOOK A TRAIN TO CAMBRIDGE INSTEAD. AND GUESS WHO I SAW IN CAMBRIDGE???

LILY COLE WAS IN CAMBRIDGE!

Lily Cole! like, the model!!! the moment i got back to Leicester i googled her and found out that she indeed studies at cambridge! OMGOMG I SAW LILY COLE IN REAL LIFEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

i was a fan of hers like 2 years ago! cos she got discovered after grabbing a burger or something by some top photographer. i read about her first in Dolly magazine though! SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ... HERSELF. yep she walked straight out of the fashion magazine!

Leicester was really cool in every sense. even the weather. my brother took a 5 hour train ride to meet us all over the weekend so thankss bro! my sis skipped an important lecture to fetch me from the airport so thanks sis!

The food in Leicester thus far is better than the food herein Edinburgh though. We had indian food with my sister's friends and they were rally nice and i was kinda shocked when one of them kissed my cheek. hehe. brit hospitality? but they are all so likeable :)

Jie's house has a freaking GARDEN!! how coooool is that?! complete with a garden shed! but she puts her washing machine/dryer there or something-.- her bedroom window overlooks her neighbour's garden and they have a statue of Buddha in their garden. haha.

I HAVE BEEN GETTING OBESE. 3 meals a day all at restaurants. my sister brought me to her favourite place for eggs benedict and the hollandaise sauce was all right. but our spanish tapas dinner was (Y)(Y)!!

I LOVE JANE NORMAN.
like seriously, we NEED Jane Norman in singapore!
and i checked out Jack Wills in Edinburgh and Jack Wills (Y) too!

oh so i took a freaking long 5 hour train ride to Edinburgh, Scotland. Edinburgh is LIKE A DREAM. all the buildings are old and ancient. like from some period drama. I checked out Edinburgh castle and St. Giles Cathedral. St Giles Cathedral is one of the most beautiful places i've ever seen in my life. I can't really compare it to West Minister Abbey in London because i was pretty young when i last visited there. I was like 13? But the stained glass windows were breathtaking.

i absolutely cannot understand why my brother isn't happy here. he is living in such a beautiful city and his house is much nicer than the one in singapore! HIS ROOM OVERLOOKS A FREAKING MOUNTAIN! and it's twice as big as his room in singapore. complete with nice yellow lighting from a pretty ceiling light. not our plain white round light back home. hmph. i wanted to stay in his room but nope he didn't welcome his little sister and made her stay in a hotel room ALL ALONE WTF.

staying alone in a hotel room is pretty intimidating honestly. it makes me feel so grown up. like how we've really all grown up. the reality that my older siblings left home really hit me a few days ago. WOW. it's not that they are just "out' and not back home yet. but when i saw their other HOME in a foreign place... i really understood that they now live elsewhere. they have a life at a place foreign to me. their home is not my home.

-emo tears-

but i felt pretty SAD :( when my sis refered going home as going home. home as in her carpeted cold cold house somewhere near her uni.

oh well. we are all growing up.

i want to get into the university of edinburgh SO DAMN BADLY NOW. i like edinburgh even more so than oxford (not saying that i can ever get accepted though). but edinburgh is so prettyyyyy.

can't believe in stuck in the hotel BLOGGING while waiting for the rain to stop. it has stopped already i think. but my uggs are still wet from the rain and i have to wait for my brother to finish class so he can bring me somewhere cooooool.

like a pub dinner. which dearest sister refused me even when josie, amy AND lucy (her friends) expressed shock at how i've never been drinking and dancing late into the night. I WANT A PUB DINNER!

oh well at least sister is coming up here tomorrow so i shall not have tosleep alone.

i don't know where my parents are now. PUB LUNCHING MAYBE

so yeah. without a handphone, wet shoes, alone and stuck in the hotel.

i need to go get a haggis.

i want to listen to The Smiths right now.
"to die by your side, is such a heavenly way to die"

times have changed. life is different compared to the start of 2009.

my last trip to Malaysia was only 4 nights but felt like forever away from some people at home. the highlight of every day came in the form of an email. coming from someone i was hopelessly crushing on(i like to think that it was love).

yeah so no more one thousand word emails to intoxicate me.

boys. yeah. whatever.
(sibyl, agree with me?)

nah i don't have to worry because he won't ever read this :) i wonder who would bother reading this wall of text. oh well thanks yimo. for emailing me cos i was yimo-ing (emo-ing) about my sad sad inbox. and i'm sure you've had enough of me going "HE DIDN'T REPLY MY SMSES!~ (AGAIN)".

Thanks thanks thanks. i am grateful to all the tolerant angels around me. i love you all.

and so it takes a 5 hour train ride to finally decide that i'm over it.

i hate pretending to be cool about it in front of others. i am SO NOT cool. we are SO NOT okay.

i wrote some emo shit when caiyi was sleeping at the benches and i had no one to speak to.

something like what earth beneath my feet crap. -deleted portion-

this is what happens when im lonely. i won't lie and say i blog when i'm bored. i type long incoherent essays when i feel sad. and alone. in a foreign place.

byebye world

2009-11-12T20:15:00.004+08:00

today, i ate Tori-Q, green tea steamed cake, soonkueh with loads of chilli (thanks caiyi!), hargow, fried rice andand i can't remember but i'm sure theres more!

one huge plate of soba and BIXIES with rice milk for breakfast :D

i love rice milk! the normal rice milk from supermarkets or the korean rice milk are both lovelyyyyy -heartshape-

i think i am damn aunty sia. i'm just leaving for a few days and i feel the need to stuff myself silly with food i won't get to eat when i am travelling.

SIGH.

ohoh. yesterday's japanese beef curry with rice, soft shell crab and agedashi tofu was whooooooooop!

I AM NOT GONNA WEIGH MYSELF LOL.

hehe i've been feeding my mommy a lot recently so hopefully she will get her weight up and not feel cold 24/7 when we leave -.-

hehehe strategic positioning of the peace sign to block the pimple HEHEHE

i've figured out how to edit lighting and colours to get the uljjang skin tone! (i hope)

what the fish man i'm so screwed. my luggage is not packed yet.

okay i packed my luggage already!

ANYWAYYYY, project work is OVER!!!

HEART OF GOLD

pragmatism LOL

hehe i really had fun photoshopping pictures for my slides :D

hello project work group :D thank you kaeyuan, cherie, lili and caleb for being the best groupmates ever. we all did what we could and i'm sure we'll get the AAAAA we deserve!

caleb and my heart senget one...

i find this picture hilarious LOL.

louisa why are you always camera ready!!!

i shall end off this post with louisa 씨! thanks for taking 961 home with me :):) and for listening to me complain and complain! appreciated okaaay. i know i'll be back in singapore to say this, but must be safe when you go to ISRAEL okay!

why did you remove jonghyun from your OP slides :(:(

LET'S GO MUG CHOCOLATE LOVE!

before i leave

2009-11-10T22:15:00.004+08:00

sorry guys. i took forever to transfer this pic from my handphone to the computer!
yayness.

PROJECT WORK POWER.
Heart of Gold :):) We can do it~~

walking to tuition at 7pm is amazing. i love the pretty sights :)

This is what you see when you walk out of the cosmetic surgery clinic at paragon. I love how white the whole place is!

han ye seul!

i can't wait to leave!

happiness

2009-11-09T21:46:00.012+08:00

As I spent the 30 minutes walking in darkness, I noticed how the sky turns dark earlier towards the end of the year. I was thinking of the soundtrack to Jon & Kate + 8.

Here we are, this is not quite like the movies
Everything plays out in real time
The pretty boys, the pretty girls, the orchestral moments
They all gather good story lines

Where is the one who was coming to save me?
Where is the smile in the final embrace?
And where is the twist at the end of the story,
Where everything falls into place?

i wish you happiness, through the evil words that you may speak. maybe your life is more vibrant, your sins make you less meek.

i'm not without flaw. i have such an ugly heart, like i always say, but i'm just trying my best to manage. the best that i can be.

i wish you happiness :)

COLOUR UP MY LIFE WITH THE CHAOS OF TROUBLE.

fuckyeahHAPPY!
i am so blessed with my friends <3

i am leaving friday morning. first thing after Oral Presentation is to get my arse out of Singapore. Burberry and H&M awaits. (YOU, GO SULK IN CORNERRRR!~)

CIP, art of disappearing

2009-11-06T12:57:00.002+08:00

I LANDED MY DREAM JOB!
(only that i'm volunteering)
i am not gonna be paid but this is the most ideal volunteer work :):):)

whispering hearts infant and childcare centre, project of viriya community services!

The Art of Disappearing

When they say Don't I know you?
say no.

When they invite you to the party
remember what parties are like
before answering.
Someone telling you in a loud voice
they once wrote a poem.
Greasy sausage balls on a paper plate.
Then reply.

If they say We should get together
say why?

It's not that you don't love them anymore.
You're trying to remember something
too important to forget.
Trees. The monastery bell at twilight.
Tell them you have a new project.
It will never be finished.

When someone recognizes you in a grocery store
nod briefly and become a cabbage.
When someone you haven't seen in ten years
appears at the door,
don't start singing him all your new songs.
You will never catch up.

Walk around feeling like a leaf.
Know you could tumble any second.
Then decide what to do with your time.

Naomi Shihab Nye

tong heng egg tarts

2009-11-04T16:34:00.002+08:00

tong heng egg tarts are the best in the worlddddddd.
i always tell my mommy that i ONLY eat egg tarts that are diamond shaped. round ones don't cut it. not even crystal jade.

TONG HENG EGG TARTS <3

guilty

2009-11-02T21:20:00.004+08:00

after eating so much over my long weekend...

i met huihui funfun and vanvan after forever!
sorry for boring the 배설물 out of you guys :(

we are damn sian!

WHAT THE DICKENS << !!!! Shakespeare!

DON'T LET ME BE NEAR MONEY EVER AGAIN
DON'T LET ME GO SHOP!

i was moody yesterday but today i am fine.
whoooop i did buy many pretty things today. and i need to clear out my wardrobe.

i must read Coraline by Neil Gaiman! even though i keep telling my brother that i don't like reading his (neil and my brother's) books... i actually quite like them. hehe i just like to disagree with my dearest gorgor :D:D

i managed to plough through American Gods and Neverwhere so i can finish Coraline before i watch the movie!

i want to watch 누구세요 but i also want to clear out my wardrobe to remind myself that i have enough clothes so i should stop shopping. DAMN IT. i hate my stupid wardrobe because it HIDES the clothes deep inside. hmph. but i wanna look at 윤계상 :(

(i also like how i start each paragraph with the first person singular!)

난 돈이 없어!

sigh. i miss the writing in my diary. 한국어 일기.

picture moments of life

2009-11-01T21:34:00.013+08:00

another weekend that's after the damned examinations :)
like i was complaining to kok, i am not being productive nor am i working hard. BUT I AM NOT HAVING FUN EITHER.

I almost forgot that it was Halloween yesterday. I wore the devil hairband my sister gave to me when she returned. I think she had lots of fun this halloween as usual :) I am anticipating staying over at my sister's soooon! -heartshape- and jie, you must keep your promise OKAY! plus, may i pleaseeee pretty please use the steamer you have to steam some corn and brocolli LOL.

on halloween. hehe i wanted to spend quality personal time with Bram Stoker last night. but i fell asleep too soon...

suri cruise is just going to grow up so darn gorgeous :)

my attempt at becoming a great cook = camping at libraries
i've been reading A LOT of cookbooks. and i really must use the stupid hellokitty lunchbox i bought for about $25 ahhh.

yay yay! i've been talking about The Lovely Bones so much! i will start on it next! and like I BOUGHT YORK NOTES. muahahhaha. you can find york notes in kinokuniya! i think i'll go on a york notes rampage when i get to birmingham! so yeah, i went all the way to takashimaya for the kino for CAROL ANN DUFFY.

i know that the lovely bones is a sick and convoluted story. but i am reading lots of MANDATORY gothic novels anyway. one more depressing story won't kill me!

shit shit shit. i am not looking forward to reading Carol Ann Duffy and Emily Dickinson this december. not really. not at all.

FOOD (as usual)
ye shanghai cuisine restaurant. few shops down Chiharu (the place with kick ass yakitori!)
I LOVE THAT STRETCH OF ROAD -heartshape-

look at the awesome crockery... well i am really appreciative when i get pretty bowls and plates! which reminds me of my futile attempt at finding a new bowl yesterday.

i wanna buy a new bowl. yes, for eating. it has to be smaller than most bowls but not kiddy sized. it has to be pretty but not too fragile. gah it is non existent.

tofu skin, deep fried with peanut sauce!!

spicy.fried.chicken.

the food really looks like shit with the lighting and in pictures. but their 鳕鱼was soooo bloody good with the 粉丝 and gravy!

west coast plaza.
I LOVE WEST COAST PLAZA! i love heartland malls :):) not as disgustingly crowded as malls in orchard or those huge mega malls. i like west coast plaza and tanglin mall because there is less traffic and because i am a thoughtful daughter to my claustrophobic daddy!

yeaaah wasabi mayo crystal prawn~~~
i couldnt taste the wasabi at all but it was good. it should be called the strange green mayo crystal prawn!

i've always loved BaliThai's seafood tomyum! my dad used to bring my whole family there for dinner at Westmall really often a few years back.

so most of the restaurants, if not all, were full(plus long queues) at Ion Orchard and we went for balithai! erm. well, the balithai at Ion's not the real deal. it's just the balithai cafe outlet T_T so needless to say, the food wasn't what i really wanted. i must go to balithai at westmall again really soooon. SEAFOOD TOMYUM!

oh but those pictures i took were the food i liked :) i only take pictures if i like the fooood.
fried tofu (Y)
tomyum soup (Y)
prawn patty?? (Y)
"satay" (Y) !
their various sauces/dips were sooo good. especially the fried tofu dip. i must go back for fried tofu soon.

and yes i love tofu~!

misc

don't know why i bought this pair of shoes. well, they were pink. and they were suede.
PINK AND PATENT = YES!
PINK AND SUEDE = YES!
PINK AND WHATEVER = YES!

understood??

and maybe 'cause they are vans. HAPPY BIRTHDAY VANESSA. SEE YOU TOMORROW VANVAN :)

oh yaaa i said I LOVEEEEEEE bpp right! i LOVE atrium sales.
i'm not done complaining YET. i bought 구혜선의 열아홉 순정 for $50++ and i TOTALLY REGRET. because welllll, that stupid dvd set was CHINESE DUBBED and CHINESE SUBTITLED. what the beepbeep! even though i had an epic crush on 서지석 about a year ago, my heart still aches for my $50. because now the dvd with english subs and korean audio is sold for only $20.

my life sucks to the maxxx.

do i look like i can freaking read chinese :(

hehe i bought love etc because i was attracted to the pretty packaging and display counter at the body shop. PINK LOVE ~
i really should stop buying stupid scents. perfumes, scented lotions, pot pourri, room sprays, incense and those crap. i buy them and the hype dies after like TWO HOURS and i just leave them for dust anchorage! (a hallmark of cancer: » loss of anchorage dependency) at least i can be sure that my dust is normal dust. i know i am not making sense and you must understand because it is 11.44pm and 1 hour 44 minutes past my bedtime.

my favourite colour is purple... did you know? okay now you do.
even though i buy many things just because they're pink.

i felt moody that day :( yesterday :( and it took youjie to say the word "moody" before i could prescribe myself an emotion.
macabre. to suit the darkness that halloween represents?
not really though, because halloween to me is just silly pumpkin candies sold at Muji.
i noticed (or rather, i am highlighting now) how lonely that picture feels :(
how people always tell me to smile more. i have a prettier smile but it is just tiring to have a smile plastered on.

hwach life.

sad but that's about it. hwach.

okay this is the fruit puree i've been talking about. IT IS NOT BABY FOOD. it is a kind of dessert and it freaking costs $2.20 a serving. but my LOVELY LOVELY sister ordered it for me so i'll get my fruit puree by the time i arrive. YEAYYY AND I GET TO TRY FLAVOURS NOT SOLD IN SINGAPORE!!! everyone, GO BUY CLEARSPRING FRUIT PUREE NOW! they are sooo good!~

curry sauce is for my sister. i bought the spiciest mix i could find so hopefully you will like them :)

oh yaaaaaa. MY RED BEAN JAPANESE PASTRY OBSESSION CONTINUES. yew tee dudes. yew tee MRT station. O!MANJU has great japanese sponge cakes. they are like little bell shaped puffs filled with red bean or chocolate or cheese! the fillings are average, but the sponge is so soft... it's lovely *swoons*

i found cheerios in singapore! cheerios with milk for me tomorrowwwww~~
i finally found cheerios. i am imba happy :D
and the last time i checked the marketplace at paragon, plain cheerios were sold out. NYAHAHAHA! I BAGGED THE LAST CHEERIO BOX.
=P

best couple ever :)
if only it were true. she is so amazingly pretty right!
she makes me WISH my bro/sis would choose to specialise in plastic surgery so i can get free PS :D:D *hint hint* brother! study harder leh i wanna be prettyyyyyy!

boots for the cold winter :)
leggings and foot warmers are the love.
dubai>birmingham>leicester>portsmouth>glasgow>edinburgh>dubai>singapore.
wish me luck. (YAY NO LONDON!)

byebye world.

i think my unflattering haircut makes me a better person.
looking uglier builds character LOL (im joking right)

but yes. i will have to work my ugly 'do.

mlig & sonnet

2009-10-28T21:07:00.002+08:00

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

sonnet 116

i almost teared up when Marianne said it :(

i am SOOOO enthusiastic about reading sonnets and i hope this enthusiasm will last.
before that, i'll need to get through carol ann duffy and emily dickinson. yucks.
but i will finish the lucky bones and you are here first.

someone go to kinokuniya with me :(

"Today, I realized that even though I'm living hundreds of miles away from my two best friends, they'll always be here for me whenever I need them. I don't think my life or my friends could get much better. I love them. They love me. MLIG "

i am HAPPPIEE

2009-10-28T14:07:00.009+08:00

i am living proof that school sucks! oooh sibilance.

heh. everytime i think of sibilance or write it down in some literature homework, i'll think of Sibyl Seng!

"brighten/brighten up/improve in mood/improve in outlook/improve in spirits/perk up" you!
i totally thesaurus-ed "cheer up" for YOU, you, you!

everything will be OK in the end. by convention, there will be conflict before the resolution! we'll make it through the rising action and after the climax the falling action will be easy peasy and everything will be resolved! (WTF)

i shall elaborate.
NOT. A. TRAGEDY.
denouement or catastrophe? denouement of course!

okay okay on why school sucks.
i've never been happier in a long while.(now that there are NO MORE EXAMS~!) i've never been happier this whole year.
that was hyperbolic because i am sure there were happy moments tooooo.

literature really saddened me to be honest. but right now, i'm just thankful for the grades i've achieved.

(ACHIEVED? YOU CONSIDER THAT SHIT AN ACHIEVEMENT?!)

i've not been doing anything exciting. nothing that i can look back on fondly and say DAMN! but i am much less depressed. *smiles* :) :)

it's not difficult for me(especially) to smile and laugh. but i don't know if i am genuinely happy very much. or maybe that moment of cheer is... just a passing moment.

tell me jokes, show me a funny movie and of course i will laugh. even the most clinically depressed person gets amused.

that wasn't the point either.

but there is no point i would like to make anyway.

my thoughts are fragmented, disorganised and even haphazard :(
i can't even coherently present my thoughts (like in my lit paper...)

oh gosh i need to distance myself from Antoinette. which is strange. because i never even thought that i would be affected by the gothic, death, decay, madness and curses. yet we are continually reminded to DISTANCE OURSELVES and now i'm starting to think that i am/will be affected.

talk about self fulfilling prophecies.

point is that i think that i am depressed even though i feel happy about 1/4 of my time spent awake.

i'm just being dramatic/paranoid etc.

THEN I GO LIKE... oh my goodness, i am maniac depressive!

WTF

i can't ever be at peace with myself!

oh yeah but i am HAPPY NOW. 28 october 2009, 2.30pm.

a shitload of random things about myself. i can't have labels for my blog posts because i am a lousy writer. it is impossible for me to have any focus in writing (and maybe in life).

i didn't take this picture but that's what i had for lunch.
I LOVE HOW HEALTHY IT FEELS.

raw salmon + rice. no oil used for cooking. just wasabi + soy sauce + chili padi for the extra kick.
okay but i tasted a little sesame oil~

I AM HEALTHY RIGHT!

from now on, i shall strive to get off school early and eat a proper lunch instead of nasty canteen food. it's not that i don't like the food in hwach. i love the oily vegetables and the steamed egg at caifan (or is it fancai omg dyslexia) and i like the nasi briyani, 자장면 etc etc.

but i hate eating the same stuff over and over and over again.

we should all try new food :) i'm dying to go get some turkish dinner and eat kulfi instead of ice cream. which means i should go back to Chat Masala Too! (at greenwood).

INDIAN FOOD!!! i love indian food!
the curries, the kebaps and most importantly the kulfis :D
butter chicken is an indian dish! oh yeaaah butter chicken.
curry + naan or chapati = whoooooo~

(now i am unhealthy)

shit. i can talk about food all day long.

i made tiramisu for friends and they liked it (hopefully!). i loveeee my tiramisu wet. with loads of espresso and alcohol. i wanna eat baileys tiramisu soon.

OH OH OH and my 김치전 was delish! mommy kept eating them and they're good for breakfast, lunch AND dinner.

I LOVE 김치전!

i wanna attempt to make 비빔밥 but i think it will be an epic failure. hehe.

my favourite snack at the moment !
DORAYAKI!!

red bean pancake!

i LOOOOVE all things pancake! like peanut pancake hehe.

but japanese red bean pancake is soooo awesome. its super soft :D:D and SWEET. but not too sweet so yay yay. i love dorayaki.

like i had a milano biscuits craze
then the goldfish craze
chipsmore + milk craze
famous amos craze

even a creme brulee craze (okay i still love it and i want it). HECK, i love all food. especially desserts. and chocolate. i like dark and semi bitter chocolate soooo much.

you won't find another girl who adores food as much as i do. i want to eat all the different cuisines in the world and even try spacefood~~~

my mommy was super nice. after i said i liked the japanese restaurant, she said we could go there for lunch as long as i felt like it after school. WHOOOP IM NEVER EATING LUNCH IN SCHOOL EVER~

HAHA I'M FAT AGAIN :D

school.

2009-10-26T21:02:00.006+08:00

i survived this school year.
i walked out more scarred than ever.

my brother was being a total a-- i meant jerk. well, i'm not smart or crazy hardworking like you. i'm not some honors student in some top med school. i don't WANT TO excel in my studies.

i just want to be happy. and not have to pour over books day after day miserably shuffling through life.

i want to be happy and not regret.

to you, my grades may be ludicrous. to everyone else, my grades may seem like an epic fail.
DO YOU DIPSHITS KNOW how you affect the way i see myself?!

but i hope i am worth more than my stinkin' grades.

do i even believe in that?

SCHOOL: IF I STUMBLE, THEY'RE GONNA EAT ME ALIVE.

@eli: thank you:) i hope you did well for german!
@louisa: 고마워 친구아~~ 아무도 괜찮아... 아짜!
@ minako: (if you ever come back hahaha!) sorry but i dont know how to teach... :S
@yi ting: thank you so much, for being a great listener!
@ weiqi: i'm not fine obviously HAHA but oh well. not fine also won't die~ thank you :)
@ bella/melvin/schizo: i hope project work will be cake and i will get an A just like you did!
@ yogie: haha. haha. you don't know. you don't know. =P

today was slow.
there's never enough time.

and quite honestly, i did indulge in a little depression for about an hour or so today.

it never does kill does it?

how am i feeling about everything.
it feels weird seeing people move on with their lives and i'm still stuck somehow.

had a brief encounter with an interesting person but like i said, brief.
which also means that the encounter is over and has ended.

i need more time for myself. because it's already 9pm and i have to go to bed soon. i have a shitload of work to do even after the exams, honestly.

project work is evil, evil, evil.

nothing terrible happened to me so i am thankful for life and the air i breathe.
i would love to describe air as sweet someday but its awfully bland and neutral right now. more precisely, it's just void.
and i don't feel or sense a thing.

nope. not a thing.

i wish you all the best.

post promos pictures

2009-10-25T20:05:00.005+08:00

7.30 A.M.
maybe for just once i shouldn't try so hard.
i'm the second choice, the second option right?

or maybe the last.

i'm sick of you half hearted agreeing and then blowing me off.

fuck your insincerity.

...

i am VERY pissed off right now.
7.48am in the morning.

lovely sunday mornings.

P.M.
as you can probably tell later on, i got over my unhappiness already. a ruined morning just paves the way for a happy evening. the DUALITY of nature. light and darkness.

oh happiness, what happiness?
but i soon forgot about happiness.

I have been READING and i am part of the book club in 77~ time traveller's wife is overrated. read the lovely bones.
RECIPE BOOKS -HEART SHAPE-

HAPPINESS = SCGS
that was a statement!

like 2NE1 + wondergirls!

cutting A MUSHROOM FOR...

alfresco dining! hehe!

omg. SOURSOP JELLY IS THEEEE BEST!
i'm a convert!!!

i have a messed up face so i pinkified it!
"my heart is ugly
but it could be all yours"
(+ scrunched up face)

MISS DIANE HU DOPPELGANGER~

HCI!

yay we love our korean sab!

membrane is super awesome and super nice!
(自夸)
shopping centres should TOTALLY TOTALLY build more of these adas membranes :D:D:D!!

nianci and yiming, all the best for your a levels!

yay SE7ENSE7EN !
@louisa: i couldn't help adding some kpop to the title!

yay yay!
you think it's easy to take my i-am-so-fat and i-am-too-skinny shit every single school day??!?

IT ISN'T! that's why i think right, caiyi is SO DAMN GOOD.

my cheapo camera can take decent pics!!!

the two things at chiharu i like.
BUT BUT THEIR CHICKEN MEATBALL YAKITORI IS DA BOMBzX!

yay!

total combined damage = $1000+
we are helping the economy.
one k at a time!

chilis

oh my goodness I LOVE THE THING ON THE RIGHT.
it is like spicy and salty and the bread is CRISP! i don't know what it's called.

the baby back ribs many claim is so damn awesome. it's just OKAY~~
but the corn + brocolli was great. corn was super sweet! brocolli was awesome because i love brocolli and i eat bowls and bowls of it.
:D

yada its 10.28 I AM UPSET BECAUSE I WANNA SLEEEP!

getting back results tomorrow

2009-10-20T20:08:00.003+08:00

but i'll be getting back my chemistry and mathematics papers tomorrow.
i KNOW i am going to fail.

i am one of those whiney failures who complain about failing yet sit on their fat asses doing nothing about it.

i'll break tomorrow.

DO YOU KNOW HOW AFRAID I AM??
WHAT IF I AM SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH.
WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF???

i'm a failure as a friend too. i bore people around me.
i look glum nearly all the time now.
i have nothing to say to anyone anymore.

i have nothing to say except how i think im going to fail my exams.

i don't know why i messed up.
i messed up.

and then i have this nasty temper that probably stems from unhappiness.
how i am unhappy with my own life.
with myself.

today i finally saw sibyl after forever.

today i truly moved on.

and i am free...

i told louisa how i would die if i failed. this saturday.
say die and i will die.

vain pix

2009-10-19T21:43:00.004+08:00

i can't get over how cute ziyan is in this picture!

love makes people fat. wtf?
then... i'll never fall in love.

yay 09s77 and mid autumn festival :D:D

YAY MY FAVOURITE PART OF MY BLOGPOSTS :D
VAIN PICTURES YOU DON'T WANNA SEE!

why are they meaningful in ANY WAY?
(yogie you know i will look at my blog months/years later and emo over the past right!)

hello sister again:D
I FOUND MY PINK TIGHTS WHOOOH!
anyway. thank you for your 2 pound tights and look at your shoes!

thank you for the bags you buy + awesome taste that you have!
marc by marc jacobs leh!

I WANT TO STEAL ALL YOUR BAGS SO YOU BE CAREFUL WHEN I COME ON 13 NOVEMBER OKAY!

point being. i am very thankful and glad to have an older sister who is super cool and rich$$ and... well. i cannot imagine life without my sister and brother.

thanks sister for my juicy slippers and eh. OH I BOUGHT THESE WHITE TIGHTS MYSELF :D
haha no thanks for that then!

my obsession with furry things. like the white puffy thing which actually belong to my SHOES :D
and the purple puffy hair tie i have. TELL ME IF YOU FIND MORE PUFFY FURRY HAIR TIES WHICH ARE PRETTY OKAY. I WILL BUY ONE FOR YOU TOO TO THANK YOU! =)

taking pictures on some fine day months ago.
I AM WEARING THE DRESS HUIHUI AND VANTRUCKCARLORRY BOUGHT FOR ME!
(thank you darlings!)

i don't dare to post more of my vain pictures :(
later tralala come and own me!

19oct09

2009-10-19T20:44:00.005+08:00

oh my goodness.
there is never enough time.

tomorrow is approaching really soon. and today will end for me in 59 minutes.
i have been really busy and i'm trying not to think about the future.

incoherence ahead.

THINGS. (that mean something)

hello sister. thank you for your hello kitty seafood flavoured instant noodles you bought for me when you went to hongkong. and for the pink fluffy pen cos you know i like pink fluffy things.

MY HELLO KITTY LUNCHBOX!
i really wanna bring lunch to school in this pretty pretty pretty box. but i'm worried about food safety... leaving food out. so this is another waste of money -.-
but i SWEAR i will put it to good use. soon.

hey hey brother! thank you for the very pretty musical box you bought when you went to some random uk country.
my musical box is more unique than yours =P
i don't get why it spoils in my hands but magically come to life once YOU touch it.
hmph.

mitten earrings. found it amongst my brother's stuff FINALLY.
and i changed the potpourri at home :D:D
yi ting! we bought that together in parkway!

a notebook saying i love mathematics. i am gonna use it to do my thousand year series for math ^^
andand a keychain my very favouritest sister bought for me :D:D

hmmm. i thought there would be a photo inside but. one half of the pair of rings is put there!
omg J and R I AM SO SO SORRY. i lost the second ring!!! I LOST IT!! sorry :(
(buy one more for me lah! :D)

and bel got her mommy to buy it for me a long time go. so this keychain has sentimental value okay!
signifies yue and bel. and JRK because it contains the ring !

of which YES YUELI WE MUST MEET UP SOON!

i dug up these pretty little stones and memories of scgs always surface when i look at it. what were we thinking huh? on the floor spending hours looking for pretty stones and claiming that it was for a project. when all we really wanted was good luck.

we've got solid solid friendship instead, though! rock hard okay!

i miss bowling so much. (okay not the sport actually!)
i miss scgs bowling :(:( even though i was a total ass and sucked balls at being captain. i've not been to a single bowling alley since the last competition ended and i don't think i can bowl comfortably anymore. i don't miss the calluses and blisters and oily environment all that much.
i like keeping my nails long now that i can.
but i do miss those days gossiping and goofing around while waiting for our turn to bowl. i like seeing strikes and i like spares even more. i liked the team spirit we had.

and these are dear memories i will keep for a long, long time :)

i love my notebook obsession. i love notebooks. it is a distinctive part of me and a great deal of my past experiences are noted down in them.
my obsessions especially. although i never seem to have enough time anymore to doodle names of hot korean/taiwanese/angmoh guys. this year, i've not gone gaga over a single male celebrity.

shit i'm turning asexual.

but oh well. funjuin, you know me :D:D OMG I MISS MY EX TABLEMATE SO SO SO MUCH LAAAAAAAH.

so many things i wanna blog about you but i have no time :(

sigh. short people. like me.

see! i note down my obsessions! i like owl city when i can't sleep. misery loves company ya!

'Cause I feel like such an insomniac
(Please take me away from here)
Why do I tire of counting sheep
(Please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep

fuckyeahinsomnia

lol.

2009-10-17T16:19:00.003+08:00

i need inspiration to make kick ass powerpoint slides.

=(

if i don't finish this i can't do anything else. i have to finish my work before i play.

nothing that the road cannot heal

2009-10-15T21:30:00.003+08:00

i can face failures bravely
i can move on and forgive

i've got forever.

so much love

2009-10-15T20:50:00.002+08:00

sometimes... okay all the time i'd think about how my life is over if i have to retain. if i screwed my examinations. how angry i am at myself for screwing up. in fact as i am typing this my mood is taking a turn for the worse YET AGAIN. oh no. the mistakes i made keep flashing and the only image formed in my mind is one of tragedy and darkness.

that sounded too cheery to describe that horrible feeling i have about my big screw up.
my stomach, my heart...
rapidly, twitching... retching.

but let me forget the world now. let me forget unhappiness.

***
kkk POSITIVE ENERGY NOW.

woah! i was planning to emo and mope around today again.
BUT BUT something made my day!

(okay fine, i still succumb to indulge in depression and ice cream a weeee bit too much)
(GASPGASP I PUT ON 1.5KG HORRORS OF THE HORRORS)

okay to the point. what made me uberly happy.

well. i have been a lousy friend to you, you, you and you.
today, i realised how much my friends sincerely care for me. (although i'll probably forget all about it tomorrow and go back to sulking in a corner)

i was too consumed by my perceived tragedies(or are they real?) and lived only to convince myself how shitty i felt like, 24/7.

i didn't see worried faces all around me.
i didn't bother acknowledge your genuine concern and i am so sorry.

thank you friends. you know who you are.
friends who rallied by me, put up with my mood swings and stood by me though i could no longer be the person i used to be.

so thank you, thank you.

and i love you all -BIG HEARTSHAPE-

thank you for always thinking the best of me. even though i often think i must be the lousiest character in the entire universe.
thank you for texting me your concern when you see me looking at my feet, shuffling between classes.
thank you for calling me the day before your bio exam and listen patiently to me wail inconsolably.

i know you would rather i NOT feel like i am such a waste of your time but... i can't help lousy negative energy. though it is SO diminishing. i hope.

i just finished another draft for project work's I&R (note to self: insights and reflections. just in case i forget 10 years from now.)

it is already 9pm and i am contemplating if i should watch Taming of The Shrew or blog those pictures i have in my computer. I shall blog :D something so academic should be done another day...!

I HAVE TO GO BACK FOR MATH TUITION ALREADY !
i am actually happy to go for tuition okay. i stupidly SKIPPED 3 weeks of math tuition already. nono i can't be lazy!

i had a nice long chat with my sister on msn just now. i am so happy we are talking comfortably now and i am not just a pesky, immature younger sister. i am still pesky and immature, and a little something that is of value to her!

okay the main point is that i cannot organise my thoughts once again.
when i am irrational, i am me.

i am not one who thinks straight... or even walks straight.

yay yay i'll be up and bouncing around soon in no time.

HEALING.

please give me the courage,
to fight for success and
to hold my head high through failure.

the minute details. the people around me.
this is so old. i don't remember the date. teachers day 2009.
scgs girls.
i will see you guys really soon!

yay yay. i remember how they were super nice in looking for shoes for me :D:D

the shoes look better.. not on my feet :(
HEHE BUT GUYS, THEY ARE SOOO BLACK NOW!

im superficial.
whatever.

WINKS ;)

food

2009-10-14T18:04:00.006+08:00

this is why i am obsessed with food.
this could also be the outcome of my obsession.

i am headed for obesitown if i don't control myself.
i've got a fat mindset.

snacks!

i soooo love spreads on my bread. but i like bread that's flavoured on its own AND THEY DON'T GO WELL TOGETHER.
i used to love nutella on bread. then i liked peanut butter. then i like jam.
nutella because its CHOCOLATE!! HELLO!!
peanut butter because its salty and sweet and creamy and crunchy!
jam. just because it's made of sugar.

duchy originals -heartshape-
i looooove how oaty and HEALTHY this biscuit tastes like.

my sister introduced this cereal bar to me. i'm HOOKED. it is soooo sweet and yummy for just 59 calories. JUST??????

yeah i love kou rou baos but if only they came without the fatty meat. i eat lean meat. and lean mean only. thank you.
i love fried and steamed mantous and bao skin.
lol yeah i like white bread... the chinese way! I LOVE IT.

sigh. i have packets and packets of lays original in my fridge now. i don't even crave chips. i meant lays original. give me calbee hot and spicy anyday. until i really get it every single day.

ZOMGZOMG. i don't LOVE the taste of every burger and the biscuit that looks like icecream. but THEY LOOK SO CUTE AND I AM TOTALLY BOUGHT OVER BY THE PACKAGING.
so yeah. packaging is important. i'll willingly pay for these :D

like honestly. WTF. i absolutely HATE chewing gum that's green tea flavoured. yucks. yucks.

i like green tea ice cream, green tea swiss rolls, green tea cakes, green tea everything. but not this. yucks.

you know... some chips are so unhealthy, they're so good. and i can't get sick of them.

LAYS BARBECUE.
GO GET YOURS TODAY. they are 873419739186391 times better than lays orginal. *makes a face*

ohoh. i have a love hate relationship with junk food. it's mostly love though. i only hate AFTER i finish consuming them :)
i like jagabee. JAGABEE IS AWESOME TOO. omgomgomg.

i feel like typing a super long paragraph dedicating my love to junk food.
JAGABEEEEEEEE!!!!

i love sweeeeeeet stuff even MORE though.
i also like pocky. chocolate pocky. almond crush pocky. dark chocolate pocky. STRAWBERRY POCKY. the proper $4 pocky. the one that looks like it has real strawberries in the coating. MILK POCKY. i remember throwing a tandrum asking my jiejie to buy milk pocky for me ^^

I NEED MY STRAWBERRY DIPPY. NOW. NOW. NOW.

this is strawberry flavoured dippy. i can't find this flavour at the ntuc near my house anymore. haven't been stocked for HALF A YEAR PLUS. please please please if you see my dippy buy it for me :(

i will like pay you back + 10 cents. :(

i also like chocolate. hehe i love chocolate.
hershey's dark chocolate. kitkats are nice OKAY. ferrero rocher is good too. kinder bueno is the only decent "kinder" chocolate around.
i DO NOT like time out. and i don't have any passion for snickers, mars bars and toblerone. i think kinder joy is a rip off. but i want kinder surprise. and I CAN'T FIND KINDER SURPRISE ANYMORE ALREADY.

latte + chocolate. yeaaaay!

i didn't take this pretty picture :)

oh shit it was damn good. DAMN good. DAMN DAMN GOOD.
but... i do not think it is worth $10. for a drink. a chocolate drink. made with chocolate POWDER and a teeeeeeny chocolate bar. chocolixer.

i think.. from my very limited godiva chocolate knowledge, that their truffles are still the best. their chocolate pieces/squares/bar thing really sucks. even kit kat does better -.-

my two favourites out of them all :):)
they totally deserved the big ass picture size.

COOKING COOKING COOKING!!!
i want to cook, bake and eat :D
that is life. that makes my day.
AND AND i also want to eat and not gain weight :):)

i had to have a shitload of faith that somehow the "4 quarts" of water/stock would all be absorbed/boiled away. but it was getting grim after 10 minutes and my pot still looked like some hot sloppy WET mess ;)

BUTBUTBUT.

LOOK AT THE PAELLA I MADE.
i made.
I MADE!

you know that crispy thing people put on top of their mifen??? YEAAAAAY. i can totally fry it tooo!

i will make fried meesiam for about another 20 times before i get bored/sick of it :D IT IS SO EASY AND YUMMYYYYY.

.
.
.

my very own fried meesiam :D

i hate leafy choking vegetables cause i never seem to be able to swallow them without the scare of choking to death. cause like.. leafy vegetables like to... agglutinate. (can't think of a better word)

lemme list the vegetables i like. just because.
i love asparagus, brocolli and cauliflower. ABC.
i like carrots too. but someone once called me bugs bunny and to go chew a carrot. because i had teeth that were badly misaligned a few years ago. and that someone was the entire reason why i am wearing braces now. (though i suspect, and you would KNOW vanity was a huge huge factor in my decision!)

I LOVE BROCOLLI ! (lol)

2009-10-14T16:59:00.005+08:00

but my heart is still breaking. i still feel that i am not enough. something is lacking.
all that i have, all that i am is about to be taken away from me. robbed off me.

come on
take it
take it

void of feelings.

feelings are void.

empty and invalid. feelings.

why do such bad things happen? bitterness.
a corrupt paradise i am living in. my world. my pathetic little bubble.

Where is the one who was coming to save me?
Where is the smile in the final embrace?
And where is the twist at the end of the story,
Where everything falls into place?

why does it feel like no one stays here for long? they didn't wait... they didn't wait for me. i need time, so much of it. i am slow. unfeeling.

still i wished you bothered to wait it out, hours, days, weeks, months and... years. i'll snap out of it. would you wait? will you wait?... please? that appeal never came through. or you never felt it.

did you wait?

i thought i meant the world to you. through your gritted teeth you wished me all the best and a little corner of my heart ached. the seed was planted. if you persisted...

if only.
if only.

but once that crucial timing is over, we'd miss the window of opportunity and we must walk away and never look back. do you want to jump into the flames and get burnt? (jump in, with me?) we missed the last train home. the flames would have charred my black heart a deeper, darker shade.

my turn now. and i bite my tongue walking straight ahead.

we don't look back.

every step finds strength in long drawn fatigue.
there is nothing the road ahead won't heal. and i have miles to walk before i get there.

where?

i don't know.

where my dreams all come true... where i am happy... where i am safe and free...

my feet are badly blistered though, walking in those heels.
imperfections drive my every action. my blistered feet.

is my face scarred forever?

how long before my ugly heart changes?

my heart is ugly.

***

sometimes i think i am on the brink of insanity. look at what literature has done to me.

i keep thinking about sad endings in dramas, movies and even literature. i am getting bloody affected.

i need a good comedy now. something light hearted. something that'll make me smile.

terrible memories keep haunting me.
or rather, beautiful memories that once made me happy keep surfacing to haunt me.
because i am now a sad shadow of who i used to be.

maybe.

or maybe i am being over dramatic.

who knows?
why do you care?

summer 09

2009-10-11T15:08:00.002+08:00

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

family.
summer 2009.

i am of course the photographer :)

summer always ends.
holidays are too long, too boring... until they end.

we both look absolutely stupid here but heh who cares !

my brother :D:D:D:D:D
woah top 21 ahhhhh!

my sister never fails to deliver advice that is... so straightforward and simple.
i'll miss talking to someone about skincare products, makeup, diets and boys.

obesity =((

fried noodles drenched in gravy for breakfast.
MY THIGHS ARE CRYING.

la noce was interesting :) i can foresee myself going back there for their BREAD. it's super good. seriously!

modesto's was serious BLAH.
the only thing decent was their pizza. their zuppa di mare was SOOO watery. and ugly looking.

:) now bro and sis both have a similar card.

sunlight!

a better son/daughter

2009-10-10T08:24:00.004+08:00

when your heart was open wide and you love things just because
like the sick and dying

and sometimes when you're on
you're really fuckin' on

but the lows are so extreme
that the good seems fuckin' cheap

and it teases you for weeks in its absence
but you'll fight and you'll make it through

you'll fake it if you have to
and you'll show up for work with a smile

you'll be better
and you'll be smarter
and more grown up and a better daughter or son
and a real good friend
and you'll be awake
you'll be alert
you'll be positive though it hurts
and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
and you'll be a real good listener
you'll be honest
you'll be brave
you'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
you'll be happy

your ship may be coming in
you're weak but not giving in
to the cries and the wails of the valley below
and your ship may be coming in
you're weak but not giving in
and you'll fight it, you'll go out fighting all of 'em

2009-10-10T06:27:00.003+08:00

i am going to fail chemistry, biology and mathematics.

I AM GOING TO FUCKING RETAIN.

shit i feel so sad for myself. why do bad things happen.

WHY AM I A BIG SCREW UP?!?!?!

i did study. i just couldn't do the questions. but results are the only gauge.
not being able to do the questions is the same as not studying -.-
don't study = fail
don't know how to do = fail

fail fail fail fail.

failure

2009-10-09T22:36:00.004+08:00

am i stupid? unworthy? worthless?

i never could have foreseen breaking down because of something as trivial. something as trivial as grades. are grades... important?

i feel like a failure.

i have nothing. i am nothing. my only identity is being a student and the only routine i have in my life is going to school. i like regulation, i like certainty and i am so afraid of what i don't know.

failure is a path everyone must walk. at least once. but it is shrouded in darkness. a terribly lonely place to be. alone. i feel like a mightier being just grabbed me by the collar and dumped me there. alone.

it is my fault. it's all my fault.
i am stupid.
i am lazy.
i am ineffective.

so i will face the consequences.

it may be humiliating to have to go through this, i will cry like a baby. i will cry for being a disappointment and a shame. i will hide.

will i forget these feelings i have now?

what do i live for when there is nothing left?

promos are over

2009-10-09T22:29:00.002+08:00

i deleted those stupid self depreciating posts.

i bawled by eyes out. i can cry my eyes out of my head and it won't change a shit.

i became more of an alcoholic than ever. i need it to sleep. i hate insomnia.

moscato bianco. i love sweeeeeet.

i still feel like a big failure.

but i must get:
melting marshmellow crepe from max brenner!
chewy junior
beard papa
P.Osh brownies

2009-09-20T19:51:00.004+08:00

WHOOP I JUST ATE PANNA COTTA

VEAL + TUNA SAUCE

RED SNAPPERRRRR FISH + mashed potatoessss

ps. i give up dieting!

i love veal veal veal. but it's kinda cruel, right? eating baby cows...

after the scary grilled salmon + 1 million bones at la forketta i didn't eat fish outside but today i ate all my red snapper! hehehe.

la forketta serves horrible food anyway.

WHOOOP MY PANNA COTTA = NIRVANA

i gained 0.5kg.

time exams stress bro left

2009-09-18T23:40:00.006+08:00

i don't have time to study
i don't want to study... nope, i don't think i'd like it.

stress.
insomnia.

but i'll be fine.

summer's never enough.
"it's too long until it's over"
that's what my brother said.

welllll. it's autumn already and now i'm back to being the only child.

just me.

:(

i talked to my sister via skype just now and i think her new house is so so so cool.

my brother's flight will take off in approximately 11 minutes from now. 2355.

i am thankful for whatever i have right now and am counting my blessings.

i can't wait CAN'T wait for my exams to be over. i will SO play until i die and rot and fly to heaven! omg and i am SO EATING A LOTTTTTT. happiness.

i actually made a growing list of the food I WANT TO EAT after promos!

just the sweet, sweet stuff -heartshape-
choupinette's cream puff thing
new york new york's lake chocolate (molten chocolate + fried banana + ice cream)
ricciotti's morbida (lava cake.. but GREEN)
breadtalk's matcha swiss roll I MUST BUY ONE SLICE
pulut hitam with ice cream from some food court. raffles city??
pasta fresca's tiramisu and panna cotta
swenson's apple crumble + icecream THE ONE IN A PAN
super nice egg tarts my mommy buys
v tea room's COOKIES !
canele's eclair charlotte
P.S. cafe's devils chocolate cake
delifrance's fruit tart (you know you love custard!)
four leaves' strawberry sweetheart
chat masala's baileys kulfi (ice cream with baileys irish cream !!!)

those are desserts i realllyyy love. REAAALLY LOVE AND ADORE. i'm not picky I BELIEVE. you can even find nice cakes from four leaves:D
i hate my sweet tooth. but i'm happy my daddy lets me eat so much yummy sinful desserts. thanks :D

i really wanna eat NICE CREME BRULEE. anyone has any idea where i can get super nice creme brulee??!!?! the restaurant with kick ass tapas and creme brulee closed down already! I AM HORRIFIED.

i hate how i can actually get really fat if i don't watch my diet. sucks.
love sweet things so much.
i have to force myself to not eat chocolate muffins everyday -.-

if i could, i would totally snack on
1 double chocolate cookie
1 meiji's chocolate milk
1 chocolate muffin
EVERY SINGLE SCHOOL DAY.

sigh.

i need to find people who love sweeeeeets as much i as i do and go eat with me.
anyone?

:)

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

2009-09-10T13:34:00.006+08:00

f(x) lachata

i'm an SM junkie :D
2ne1 is overrated.

SOSHI & F(X)

girl bands FTW

omg im sucha huge fangirl of
.
.
.
the jung sisters LOL

and amber!

i think she is soooo cool. i wish i could pull off her haircut.

i do wish wondergirls would go back to korea and make music like they did. before "nobody".
irony was such a great debut song they had :(
i miss so hot too. with sohee's singing HAHAHA.

everytime i watch a SNSD performance i feel like i'm obese. like morbidly obese.
tsk.

my sister left singapore yesterday. my brother will leave this friday.
what short summers.

scgs friends forever

2009-09-01T13:46:00.003+08:00

the title of this post is so darn cheesy :)
but it's a secret hahahaha.

i'm so amazed.

almost one year down, wherever we go, however long we've been apart, we are still the friends we have always been.

i don't feel the distance and the time apart didn't make much of a difference.

it's so good to know that i'll always have someone there for me outside of school. when i just need someone from my past, someone not embroiled in the drama surrounding JC life :D:D:D

cheeeeesy i know!
but going back to meet my lovely sc friends made me so happy.

i went for dinner at fish & co. with yi ting, henny, huda and sarah low SLOW last night!
they are more important than shopping yesyes :):)

so many people i wanna see were not there we'll see each other again in about 50 days right :D

i miss you all!
xoxo

imma post this before i get disgusted with my mushiness and delete this post HAHHA.

2009-08-22T10:13:00.010+08:00

TODAY'S LYRICS!

You're the sky that I fell through
And I remember the view
Whenever I'm holding you
The sun hung from a string
Looking down on the world as it warms over everything
Chills run down my spine
As our fingers entwine
And your sighs harmonize with mine
On this day complete
I can still feel your heart beat fast when you dance with me
We got older and I should've known (Do you feel alive?)
That I'd feel colder when I walk alone (Oh, but you'll survive)
So I may as well ditch my dismay
Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth
If my heart was a compass you'd be north
Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall
Wherever you go
If my heart was a house you'd be home

It makes me smile because you said it best
I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the west
Flower balm perfume, all my clothes smell like you
Cause your favorite shade is navy blue
I walk slowly when I'm on my own (Do you feel alive?)
Yeah, but frankly I still alone (Oh, but you'll survive)
So I may as well ditch my dismay
Bombs away, bombs away

HIGH ATE US
(i swear)
edit: i give up

yet silence can be so loud

don't worry. life is good.

note: stop being so emotional.
tears = sign of weakness

stronger than that.

i can't seem to give up :)

eat

2009-08-20T21:52:00.006+08:00

credit.

also visit luxirare.com
i love luxirare.com

i should go on a hiatus (from the internet)
the evil internet.

i need time
i need collagen
i need sleep
i need money
i need shopping
i need

love

my sister is coming home from hongkong tomorrow
i hope the stuff she bought for me will be nice
JUICY COUTURE PLATFORM SLIPPERS -heartshape-

i love my family you know.

burnt smells
red flashes
"keep your eyes closed"
$700

i hope it's worth it

all for you, you know.

(maybe)

my face twice the size of yours
red
bleeding
peeling
i went shopping at muji

happily bought instant soup for $1.60
tasted like crap

fml

Sylvia Plath - Mad Girl's Love Song
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

i like literature lessons.

i think i made you up inside my head.

my face will be plastered everywhere here. soon.

cooking

2009-08-15T14:23:00.004+08:00

i attempted to cook again today.

i want to escape from doing homework.

life is okay.
life is tolerable.
:)

i am by no means a good cook.
i "can't even boil water" on most days.
heck, i just learnt how to start the fire today.

frying fish, vegetables, tofu, mushrooms and chicken is easy.

pour some oil
dump the stuff in and push them around the frying pan.

i tried making oreo truffles from scratch yesterday. they turned out ugly.

i made dinner too.
because i didn't feel like eating food bought from outside.

i love kimchi everything!
with the exception of kimchi noodles at my school's canteen of course.

my kimchi fried rice wasn't spicy enough.

i didn't have baby tomatoes at home so i chopped up some carrots :)
my egg was a little too thick and youjie pointed that out :(
wellllll my frying pan's a tad too small to make eggs big enough for wrapping!

bakerella, oreo truffles

2009-08-15T07:18:00.003+08:00

BAKERELLA.COM

my truffles were all right!
melting chocolate is difficult!

but I DID IT!

THEY TASTE EDIBLE!

i am so fat

2009-08-11T17:19:00.002+08:00

"you're a bitch
but i love you anyway"
that's what love should be like.

i am SO fat!

what the hell man. well i was watching my diet until like i reached my weight goal and i let myself go... and I PUT ON WEIGHT IMMEDIATELY! after like 4 days!!!

okay nevermind that. today, i smsed like many many pages to sibyl and i'm happy because i miss us sending like 9 page long smses too :)

i heart sms-ing super NOT short messages hehe. so people reading feel free to text me super long messages so i can type 15 page long essays for you :):)

i am fat again but i ate muah chee with peanut! i KNOW how high in calories muah chee is! but well i'm an emotional eater so i can't NOT eat when im down.
and yet because i ate i'm feeling better.
it's the sugar rush you see.

i've not been feeling preeedddy recently so i don't have any new pictures of my face heh.

i don't wanna speak too soon but my ____ is getting better and i'm glad. PLEASE continue to improve! please please!

well, i think some bastard is testing me for my reaction i am so sad.
it feels really weird, cos' i miss having funjuin around. like she can totally detect my moods and emotions so well. then she'll either ignore me or console be depending on the severity and somehow she knows how to handle me so so so well :(

i miss JRK so much. and our chinese chinese clique, recess clique etc.

i just feel so alone in school now. this sucks. i'm not saying that my new friends are lousy but i think i've changed.

i don't think im the crazy high loud mouth bitch who skips and bounces to school everyday anymore.

i don't feel... BOUNCY anymore (haha.)

i keep breaking promises to myself
promises to study hard
promises to get over lala
promises to STOP indulging in emo
promises to stop wallowing in self pity
promises to be a better friend

i'm just so sorry i cannot be anyone's pillar of support anymore. i'm relying so much on others for support.

i miss the girl i used to be
but was that really me?

i just wish you would stop doing this to me.
don't play with me.
i don't know what else i can do, so i wait. i wait for you.
don't laugh at me. when i fall, i fall hard. that's me.
stop giving me false hopes if you won't catch me.
WE ALL KNOW that i take forever to move on, but i will. i will. eventually.

I LOVE SNSD!
jessica's hair colour is so awesome!
and sooyoung ROCKS her short hair

/fangirl!!!/

isn't someone missing me?

psoriasis

2009-08-09T09:23:00.004+08:00

http://www.stophiding.org/
http://www.psoriasis.org/

Psoriasis is a chronic disease of the immune system that appears on the skin, usually in the form of thick, red, scaly patches. Up to 30 percent of people with psoriasis also develop psoriatic arthritis. Psoriasis is associated with other serious conditions such as diabetes, heart disease and obesity.

No one knows exactly what causes psoriasis.

Information from National Psoriasis Foundation.

different people have different triggers for psoriasis. for me, it's stress and weather.

recently i've been battling my pimples/acne and already i have people being insensitive. they make fun of me.

i discovered my psoriasis when i was in secondary three. i am disgusted by people who pass judgements on me without even understanding what i'm going through.

fuckers who think im obsessing over my weight. psoriasis is associated with obesity. OBESITY.

fuckers who think im being prissy when i refuse to do PE or go out in the sun. yes, UV light improves psoriasis to a certain extent(if you live like, in climates where there is NO SUN. not singapore). but IT MAKES MY WHOLE BODY ITCH. you don't see me scratching away, because well fuckers, i've been living with that itch every fucking second FOR YEARS.

psoriasis is associated with depression.

i have psoriasis on my scalp too. i have psoriasis every fucking where i just keep it under control so its not visible. x screamed out loud that i had dandruff and god knows who thought i was some dirty freak who didnt wash her hair. I CAN'T HELP THAT I HAVE SOME IMMUNE SYSTEM DEFECT OKAY.

i'm doing the best i can to manage.

somehow, people aren't very supportive. snide remarks. and they are downright rude.

there is NO CURE for psoriasis.

it's a chronic disease of the immune system.

DISEASE. CHRONIC.

i remember bawling my eyes out when i was first diagnosed. FML.

but you know what? my psoriasis is much better already. i don't really see it anymore, but i know that this is in my immune system, no matter what creams i apply religiously daily, it doesn't change the fact that i have a problem. beneath my skin in every single cell, it's there.

i don't want to be in the sun.
i don't want to do PE.

shut up, you.
you don't know how much it hurts to have sunburns over your psoriasis.

shut up.
keep your fucking ill-informed opinions to yourself.

life can only get better.

acne and procrastinating

2009-08-07T12:20:00.002+08:00

insensitive furrreaaaks!

eewww you're not any better than me. git.

oh well i've been procrastinating a lot, worrying about... well for those in my life, you already know what i'm worrying about.
THE ONE THING CONSTANTLY ON MY MIND.

oh sigh :(

life's as such.

faith faith faith faith faith faith faith.

OMG I NEED TO EAT!!!!

chinese :)
tumblr is so awesome for my blogspot HAHA.

i want to say i do but you think girls like that are desperate so i keep my mouth shut.

THIS TIME I NEED A SOLDIER!

lipstick
i might
kill you
or
kiss ya

sibyl

2009-08-03T19:14:00.008+08:00

get well soooooooon. MCP needs you! or rather kj does!
i have so much crap happening and I NEED TO COMPLAIN
but i can't when you're probably feeling horrid at home right now.
:(

i know it sucks having to stay at home so much :(
you will recover fast fast and we'll go makan okay!

another picture... cheers to 2008 that wonderful year we had!

get well soon :)

ive been trying out positivity

2009-07-31T20:19:00.004+08:00

How do you dream when you can't fall asleep?

雖然有時候還是會想他
離開了才能各自飛翔

SIGHHHH.
if only you knew.

okay i've been busy working my bumbum off !
:)

taking deeeep breaths
slow walks in the evening
i've not done any work, i'm listening to music.

that's how life should be for me. all the time.

i don't care about fulfilling my roles in this life. i think i have to be happy.
its MY life all right.

i shouldn't spend the extremely limited time i have here being depressed.

i wish i could stop caring about how i look.
i've been trying out positivity !
it was kinda working until i saw...

sigh. i hate my own face :(

i think people are fucking rude. i can't stand how you actually feel joy over my misery and explicitly say it to my face.

i want to avoid people and mope around at home.

(because i'm that vain)

and you know how affected i am.
that's all my self esteem is built on and you just love tearing it down. to bits.

but i guess it all stems from your own insecurity issues. so yeah, make me feel bad, make me feel worse than ever.

family
it was my brother's twenty dunnowhat birthday :)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND YOU'RE SO OLD ALREADY LOL

I KNOW I KNOW. my brother looks cute and he looks very young!
i also look very young..

cousins and my grandmother :)

hihi sister!
THANKS FOR BUYING SO MANY THINGS FOR ME
WHOOOOO!

huiyi's birthday!
lol, i'm so sorry taychinball :(
i was totally un-high on your birtday SORRY HUIBALL DEARIE!
well we went to scgs after that :)
joan teee disappeared after... looking for her strings laoshi yep
and VANVAN is a busy busy girl like CHEW (both are in council leh!)

my ex partner but still sitting partner for life is acting cute!

joan and van had to deal with my
OMG IM FAT
OMG I HAVE PIMPLES
OMG I HAVE HOMEWORK
OMG LIFESUCKS
mindset.
yay you survived :)

lolol. only with huiyi got such tootpiack poses one LOL LOOK AT HUIBALL LAHHH!
okay, girl with the 17 roses, appreciate all you have all right :)

pardddner for lifeeexzx

okay i had to take a picture with the favourite flooring in my whole life!
see, that's how floors are supposed to look like!
i reallyyy like scgs !
YOU KNOW THE FLOORS IN HWACHONG ARE F-ING DANGEROUS.
i once stepped on a tile which wasn't properly.. attached (?) on the floor. it just slipped off the rest of the tiles to reveal weird cement underneath.
tsktsk. hwachong is...
tsk tsk.

my favourite canteen in my life life life!
nice and clean with food i loved and ate for 4 years with people i loved DEARLY

yes youuu YES YOU!
aiya, i miss scgs so much :(

you know. sc is starting to become more and more foreign. unfortunately. i don't know RIGHT NOW if i'm more familiar with hc or sc.

i don't ever wanna move on.

school
well thanks 09s77 for participating in my group's minitrial :)

nice M&Ms before they all got melty and started rubbing the colours of each other!

yes i totally packed all 49 of them!!! and like... half was melty.
turf.

thank you guys for being enthu and i meant guys as in people not gender specific okayyy

PILOT TEST #2
m&ms melt and look weird.
i bet these won't :)

lolol. to prove a point im posting this up here :D

LAPOLA. the girl that has to listen to me whine on a minutely basis!
thanks caiyi :) and im so sorry if i whine/snap/badmood/goodmood/jumpupanddown/emo
poor you LOL.
thanks :)

how much suckier life in hc would be without tehbing!
(i really wanna drink tehbing but i need to lose 500 kg!)

YAY MRS BOO'S CLASS = CAMWHORING

random shit that has been making me extremely happy :D
well i believe everything can only get better from here
i have no where else to go.. but UP UP UP !
my life is in the pits and like the bottom of the bottommest pit (what was thattt?!)
so yay!

BRACES OFF IN 2 MONTHS
or so my dentist says
(he's a fucking liar)
(i've got pissed off numerous uncountable times already)
(not saying why)
(ask me)

parenthesis

all right, my eyebrows actually got screwed up but at least they're neat
and i've got PSPSPS!
national day is coming soon!

yess!

MY VERY INTERESTING KUEH LAPIS FROM SARAWAK
next time daddy goes to malaysia i must ask him to get chewing gum gum for me!

this picture reminded me of the day i pierced my tragus
and steamboat of course
it was awesome :)
funjuin should have been there !

happy full full make up case sis+meme

THANKS HUIYI AND FUNJUIN I LOVE YOU TWO!

I STILL HANG IT UP
thanks :)

lol, these huge shades block my pimples!

another reason why i think tehbingyicai is awesome lor
MY HAIR IS SO NICE THANKS TO HER
i wanna know how to tie hair :(

uncle ngiam can teach me LOL
but hair is NOT friendship bands luh
you haven't proven the fact that you can tie hair lorrrr.

UNCLE NGIAM & LEONG HAHAHA

wheeee. my sis bought this dress from bugis and i couldn't help but wear it LOL
its so super super duper superduper nice TO ME :)
sis is feeling generous recently :)

AFTER TERMS/SEMESTERS OF CONTEMPLATION

I BOUGHT MY $4.80 HELLO KITTY NOTEPAD.

yay!

pictures taken on my loooong walks to tuition
i'm not some pro photographer shit :) i had my camera with me and had 30 mins before tuition started.

bukit panjang is a really special place to me :)
i grew up here!

procrastinating

2009-07-29T17:20:00.003+08:00

i am an idiot for procrastinating
i should be studying hard now :(

will do so, SOOOON!

i so totally wrote that :)
my handwriting is disgusting but i've been practicing LOL
yi ting! do you see your S !

not a footnote!

ahh dang. why do i get so affected.
it was only a ...
how did it end up like this?

2009-07-25T22:37:00.002+08:00

i can like, totally write a book.

WALKING AWAY FROM ASSHOLES.

blah.

kj needs more strength to walk away.
yielding.

eat your excuses.

2009-07-20T20:48:00.004+08:00

suck it
suck it
suck it

it's okay keejia :)
i did badly for my blocks and i have no one else to blame
(but maybe my insomnia, but that's still MY insomnia and ultimately i'm still the one to blame)

I NEED TO STOP SAYING FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK

anyway, i need anger management and i'm not typing LOL to cover up.

SORRY
and i mean it, i really truly do.

i'll quit procrastinating and DO SOME WORK.

i've been inspired by my awesome friends and... little kindness from random people, who never meant much to me(not even now...) made my life brighter.

i told my mommy how i fucked up my exams but she was so kind and offered me sushi. hehe. i'm satisfied :)
my family never puts any pressure on me.
this is good yet kinda bad too.

because i feel like i have to live up to their expectations or they will START to put pressure on me.

i don't know. it's just like when people are TOO NICE to me(and they are truly REALLY NICE without agenda) I FEEL SCARED/CORNERED/inferior.

it makes me feel so bad.

MY LIFE IS GOOD
Today, I asked my boyfriend if he thought I was sexy after gaining the weight in the past year. He bent down on one knee and proposed to me. MLIG

maybe i should stop being obsessed with my weight. and BE A HAPPY TUBBY CHUBBY GIRL :)

IT IS MY BROTHER'S BIRTHDAY TODAY

AND I AM HAPPY.

i need to stop procrastinating :)

woohoo it's my gorgor's birthday tomorrow and i grant him driver duties for the rest of his summer!

LET'S ALL BE SAFE AND HEALTHY AND HAPPY.

IT'S YOUUUU!
heart shape!!!

BANGS ARE SO LAST LAST SEASON I'M GROWING THEM OUT
GROW WELL DEAR

andand! CLEAR SKIN SOON PLEASE :)

DR. WONG I'M COUNTING ON YOU !

hehe MICHELLE, HUIYI AND MY BROTHER'S BIRTHDAYS ARE COMING SOOON.

happy happy.
and yes, START DOING SOME WORK KJ!

oh and i must start liking cats a littttlleeee bit more :)

TOOOODLES!

IT'S COOOOOOOL TO KNOW NOTHIN'

main blog

Michaelmas term 2011

alone

somebody that i used to know

forever was never till now

其实爱对了人 情人节每天都过

you wouldn't leave me, but i couldn't stay

more than distance between us

grey sky morning

can't they just believe?

life on hold

i've been dreaming

not quite like the movies

fuck your life, too

never say never

terrified

heartshape

with you

lumix

gmarket

absolutely nothing

words

nothing to blog about!

a levels straight As

results are coming...

uninvited

lifehouse

boys.

without direction

happyness

2011

empty days ahead

oxford-leicester-london

trip to leicester, london and oxford

2010

leaving for uk

almost the end of a levels

bye 2009 hello 2010

i want to stop blogging

christmas

parents quarrelling, xmas

lousy school holiday

holidays

depressing holiday

uk pics and more

uk trip!

byebye world

before i leave

happiness

CIP, art of disappearing

tong heng egg tarts

guilty

picture moments of life

mlig & sonnet

i am HAPPPIEE

school.

post promos pictures

getting back results tomorrow

vain pix

19oct09

nothing that the road cannot heal

so much love

food

summer 09

a better son/daughter

failure

promos are over

time exams stress bro left

scgs friends forever

eat

cooking

bakerella, oreo truffles

i am so fat

psoriasis

acne and procrastinating

sibyl

ive been trying out positivity

procrastinating

其实爱对了人　情人节每天都过