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life on hold
Tuesday, May 24, 2011


it feels like life is slowing to a crawl for me. or it isn't even moving any more. i've not been doing anything significant recently. so i contemplate life.

just sitting on my arse all day getting fatter as the minutes tick by. i just had a huge slice of tiramisu after breakfast. what a far cry from those days... about half a year ago. i can't quite remember how i felt when i saw a slice of cake, a bar of chocolate back then any more. it was the one thing i wanted the most, yet i feared having it... eating it. as much as i am glad i can eat happily without depriving myself already, i can't help but feel like a slob/glutton. i don't want to be... fat. and by "fat", i mean, not slim. my definition of fat used to be "not skinny" and i think this is an improvement :)

i think i can face the fact that i had issues with food and weight in the past. because it is now... in my past. i do miss the skinny fragile looking person i used to be. but it isn't healthy. i am not and never will be naturally thin. my body just isn't built that way. i lost my period for about a year and attributed it to "stress from a levels". who was i kidding? i lost a good 10 kilograms off my small frame. and then i chopped my long hair off. did you think this vain girl would willingly take the plunge to lose her crowning glory? my hair started falling out. i had no choice. every time i walk past the mirror and look at how stupid i look with shorter hair, it reminds me exactly of how stupid i was (and maybe still am) to choose to... feel fat.

i still am tormented with body image issues. but i have awesome friends. i think they all saw through my lies and quietly supported me through the darker days of i-am-morbidly-obese-even-though-i-am-obviously-underweight. my parents chose to ignore the problem and pretend it didn't exist though. still, i think i snapped out of it already. i am not fat.

life brought me other joys. and i have more to focus on rather than my weight. i feel very well loved these days. i have found a best friend in my sister and i think that is truly a blessing. a friend who is also family. she gives me unconditional love, support... and sound advice. what pleases me the most(hahah, can't help that self centered streak) is that family is for life, for forever, and i will have that best friend for a looooooong time. i love you jiejie :)

no one can have it all. friends, family and love. choose two. sleep, studies and social life. pick two. i am sorry... for myself. sorry elizabeth, that i am not going to universal studios with you today. sorry to all my friends whom i take hours and hours to reply a text. sorry for being such a flake. sorry that i feel weary so easily and that i just want to be alone at home with myself for company. sorry that i sometimes choose to shop and do my nails alone. does this make me socially awkward... or inept?

i wonder how one should prioritise these three things in life: family, love and friends. i was truly taken aback when i heard how kev said that his girlfriend would be the number one priority in his life. i don't have any strong views on this. but his point is that your parents die eventually and that your siblings will have their own family too. friends? by now... i guess we know how transient most friendships are.

i look at my parents and their siblings... they see each other less than ten, or five times a year. i cringe and fear this will happen to me one day. i already feel the distance between my brother and myself, and we used to share so much with each other. there are some girls i used to think were my friends and we barely even communicate these days. all relationships take a hell lot of effort. and i am lazy. i find it nearly impossible to maintain more than 10 close relationships without losing myself and that precious "me-time". so i lose my friends and... did they so willingly and easily let me go? it makes me sad.

back to his point. in the end, the only one we've got in the long run, is our significant other. this is at once both a very romantic... and depressing thought. i need to ask youjie for his view on this too. (/inserts a "lol" to diffuse imaginary tension in this blog post/ - i think too much, don't i?) "lol". should everything else take a backseat? i used to wonder how cynthia and marcus could be so happy with just each other and let everything else be secondary. i think i may come to understand it eventually.

maybe... maybe that's why everyone is on the search for The One True Love. we all hope to find someone to love, who will love us in return. but most of us will never get there and i don't buy it. i can barely believe in love that is meant to be. fate? i can change fate. i can choose to accept or decline a date. love is more a choice you make. and what a disgusting realisation that takes away all that i have idealised love to be.

so. essentially, we all need a partner in life but there is no such thing as a "match made in heaven". truth is that we all settle for someone compatible and good enough for us. we accept the love we think we deserve.

i think i got more than what i deserve.

my thoughts don't quite make sense already. you misunderstand me :)

8:19 AM♥




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